BIOHAZARD
(1984)
Directed by Fred Olen Ray
Retromedia DVD
Reviewed 07.19.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
The first thirteen seconds of this
film reveal a distinctly 80s drum
machine beat and cheap, grided-green
“computer” graphics.
You know you’re in for a treat.
Excuse the naivety, but based on
what little I knew about Biohazard,
I was ill prepared for such a gigantic
heaping of exquisite bad film mirth.
Identity crisis? Don’t even
worry about it. Nope, this film
knows exactly what gutter it’s
lying in; exactly what rope it’s
trying to climb. If you don’t
believe me, just wait for the ending.
In the meantime, forget about explanations.
Make way for some pop-art gore,
a five year old in an alien suit,
and Angelique Pettyjohn’s
hilarious bra-busting psychic powers.
The name of the game is tawdry fun.
Accent on the fun.
At the hub of some government funded
sci-fi research base, a group of
army brass gather to witness an
amazing sight. It’s Lisa Martyn
(Angelique Pettyjohn from Mad
Doctor Of Blood Island),
resident psychic! After a breathless
card trick, a scientist straps Lisa’s
head into a cheap foam rubber helmet
with lots of blinking wires, enabling
her to bring forth any object she
envisions into the real world (?!).
First, it’s a tiny statue.
Second, it’s some kind of
metal box with a “secret”
inside. We never find out why the
metal box materializes. Just flow
with it, ok? Anyway, of course there’s
a four foot alien inside (played
by director Ray’s kindergarten-aged
son), which escapes during an army
transport and proceeds to tear the
place up. The rest of the runtime
finds our hero, tough-as-bullets
Mitchell Carter, and Lisa making
out, talking to bums, and trying
to track down the biohazardous alien.
We also meet a bunch of new characters
who are unanimously killed off within
two minutes of their introduction.
Now that’s whatcha call frugal.
Biohazard makes no
qualms about what it actually is:
a cheap, nonsensical, alien-endowed
slasher that delivers all of the
requisite bad film “musts”
(awful acting, cheap production
values, gore n’ breasts, and
mindless plot points) and gets the
hell out of dodge before breakfast.
That’s why it’s such
a good time. Biohazard has that 80s swagger, that sweet
whiff of authentic vintage that
you know you love, but just can’t
explain why. So why even try? Fred
Olen Ray builds on the lessons learned
in earlier films like Alien
Dead and Scalps,
delivering the most realized version
of his no-brow aptitude from this
era. And besides, how can you pass
up the sight of a tiny, rubber-suited
alien (“grrr!”) trotting
through somebody’s backyard,
knowing full well there’s
a little kid wrapped inside?
AUDIO AND VIDEO
The full frame print is in excellent
shape, with nary a scratch or flub
to be found. I noted maybe two instances
of visible scratching, and the whole
picture looks nicely subdued and
crisp. The sound was monoriffic,
with perfect clarity. No need to
expect more.
EXTRAS
In keeping with Retromedia’s
previous releases of Fred’s
films, the crowning diamond of this
disc is the audio commentary track.
This time around, we’ve got
Fred, along with friend Steve Latshaw
(yes, it’s the director of
Jack-O!), talking
it up for some comprehensive entertainment.
They reveal the origins of the film’s
chintzy sets, some hilarious recollections
of Aldo Ray (who has a minor part
in the film), and why this movie
was a turning point in Fred’s
career. Need I tell you that this
track was every bit as fun as the
picture? I think not. Additionally,
there’s a brief two minute
still gallery, which features behind-the-scenes
snapshots and general hanging out
on the set.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Here’s what you do. Buy a
copy of the Biohazard DVD. Wait for a brisk, carefree
Saturday night -- no worries, no
obligations, and no plans. Place
the DVD gently into your player,
sit back...and let it ride. |
Six Flags '84
I saw the light and it was good
Ze iron claw
Maximum attack
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