BLOODY
MOVIE (1987)
Directed by Nick Marino
Retromedia DVD
Reviewed 09.14.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Remember those natty “snake-in-the-mixed-nut-can”
novelty toys? Sure you do. First
pop: mindless glee. Second pop:
pretty neat. Third pop: into the
junk drawer.
So here’s the thing. Bloody
Movie aka Terror Night,
a rare slasher obscurity, seems
to have every trashy 80s-approved
element in place. Mindless structure
(and I do mean mindless),
inexplicable editing mishaps, huge
hair, tons of inadvertent laughs,
and wholesome doses of goofy gore
and nudity. It’s like a giant,
mishewn paste-up job that promises
a good night of kicks for any esteemed
lover of 80s junk. But promises
can be quite fragile. Like the ominous
snake-in-the-can trick, what once
produced an initial burst of excitement
ends up pooping out two thirds of
the way through, making way for
an overall shrug of the shoulders.
Strangely enough, the plot of Bloody
Movie is both completely
confusing and totally brainless.
Lance Hayward was a silent movie
star during the 1920s. In the present
day, a nutzo who dresses up like
Hayward’s many film characters
begins bumping off young people
in an abandoned old mansion. Is
it 90-year old Hayward? His ghost?
I don’t know, as we never
learn what in the world motivates
ANYTHING in this film. That’s
the confusing part. Characters come
and go with reckless abandon (hey,
wasn’t that Alan “The
Skipper” Hale for about five
seconds?!), many are killed, and
inexplicable dog shots insert and
disappear. On top of that, each
time the killer strikes in a different
outfit, our eyes are pelted with
hilariously fake movie posters (thrown
or cut in frame from off-screen)
and silent Hayward sepia-toned film
footage. It’s interesting
the first time, but trust me...seven
inserts later and you’ll be
groaning for relief.
And don’t think I’ve
forgotten about the dumb stuff.
No sir! In a genre saturated with
incredibly stupid happenings, Bloody
Movie takes the proverbial
cake. Witness the poorest portrayal
of stoner-bikers ever conceived!
Thrill to the ten cent, very un-scary
slasher outfits (gangster fedora
and white dress shoes, perhaps?)!
Melt your brain while trying to
figure out what in hell Cameron
Mitchell is talking about! And who
in the world green-lighted the sub-sub-keyboard
metal soundtrack? The 80s fashions
are choice, the dialogue is mostly
hilarious, and the ending defies
consciousness. Unfortunately, the
film sets up a lame fake ending
about 65 minutes in, relegating
the final 20 minutes to a “when
is this going to be over?”
mindset. The party has ended.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
The full frame print is in excellent
shape. I’d be hard pressed
to discover a single meddlesome
imperfection, which is pretty impressive
for such a rarity. Clear, albeit
dark, picture and nicely muted colors
ala ‘87. On the other hand,
the mono sound was challenging at
times, as dialogue was often hard
to make out (a bit “wavy”
sounding), while the music and sound
effects appeared to be extra loud.
Bad tape heads on set? Only Marino
knows for sure. A fair amount of
compression was evident during darker
scenes.
EXTRAS
There’s a trailer included,
but don’t watch it before
you’ve seen the film. Like
the feature, the original Terror
Night titles have been swapped
with new digital replacements.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Aside from a few laughs and thrills,
Bloody Movie spreads
itself thin and comes up a bit short
in the end. Still, kudos to Retromedia
for presenting such a nice print
of this once-lost rarity. I’d
recommend a rental if you like ‘em
really dense and have a lot of time
on your hands. On the other hand,
I’m sure that fake puke in
your old junk drawer is awfully
lonely... |
T.G.I.F.!!!
Just chopped a hand
El Gaucho. Say it.
Tongue cameo
|
