THE
CREMATORS (1972)
Directed by Harry Essex
Retromedia DVD
Reviewed 02.16.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILMS
Step One: roll a gigantic fireball
over a disposable character. Step
Two: cut to a flame-engulfed Ken
doll. Step Three: focus on a pile
of cigar ashes, floating away in
the wind. Step Four: hit ‘play’
on the triple theremin cassette
tape. That, my friend, is how we
spell TITILLATION in the world of
The Cremators.
Hundreds of years ago, a monstrous
fireball fell to earth, glimpsed
only by a rogue Indian (rolled over)
and a hammerhead shark (lived).
I guess it quickly sputtered out,
but not before distributing a bunch
of rocks with yellow paint on them.
In the early 70s, the “Dune
Roller” returns, attracted
to the little rocks, which are treated
as children. Got it? Good thing
our man Ian is on the job. He’s
a combo veterinarian/scientist who
spends most of his time shambling
around day-for-night scenes with
an unlit flashlight and pining for
childhood sweetheart Jeanne (Maria
De Aragon from Blood
Mania and Wonder
Women). A bunch of meaningless
characters die via fireball rolling,
scientists talk a lot, and there’s
a pansified hippie who really
loves his cat. My my, those crashing
beach waves sure do look relaxing.
Glad we get to see 'em fifty times.
For about 20 minutes, I thought
I was onto something good. The deadpan
narration, zero production values,
exotic locales, haphazard editing;
it was like Nathan Schiff kidnapped
John Agar and was holding him hostage
on a David L. Hewitt movie set.
Then nothing happened. The fireball
kills were repeated three or four
times, often utilizing the same
ragged footage. Dialogue gave way
for meandering stretches of rock
study, none of which revealed anything
more exciting than glow-in-the-dark
glitter hands. Did I mention the
beach-y scenery padding? On the
plus side, I was pretty impressed
by the fireball rampage effects,
especially considering the budget.
Director Harry Essex (his big 70s
comeback after writing scripts for
stuff like Creature From
The Black Lagoon in the 50s)
offers up a few interesting shots
and lots of loopy edits, but it’s
not enough to stop the dead grind
that hits about midway through.
This relaxed, PG-rated throwback
holds a certain charm. For about
20 minutes. The ridiculous ending,
which features the fireball’s
death via explosion (dang, sorry
about the spoiler), should pretty
much sum up where things are at.
I hope.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
The full frame print captures a
particular look of films from this
vintage that I really enjoy: grainy,
washed-out, slightly dirty, but
still crisp at the same time. No
compression problems either. The
mono sound was tough on the dialogue,
though it could have been the actors’
expert use of sub-human mumbling.
EXTRAS
Aside from Fred Olen Ray’s
cheeky “drive-in” intro,
the disc also includes a ten minute
interview with star Maria De Aragon.
Ms. Aragon hangs out at a Star Wars
convention and discusses Harry Essex,
working with Crown International
Pictures (yeah!), and this film’s
$50,000 budget. Why the Han Solo
hub-bub? Maria wore the “Greedo”
suit, you nerd!
FINAL THOUGHTS
The Cremators is something
you watch once and move on, a pleasant
diversion for drowsy Sunday afternoons.
Enjoy the scenery and zone out to
the max. |
The name says it all
Maria in a boat
Venus hands
Hot love
|
