DRACULA,
THE DIRTY OLD MAN (1969)
GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TO COUNT DRACULA?(1970)
Directed by William Edwards/Laurence
Merrick
Something Weird DVD
Reviewed 03.25.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
The snarls of exploitation strike
again. How could I possibly pass
up renting a double feature with
titles like these? Dracula gets
grimy in this goofy disc from Something
Weird...
Dracula, The Dirty Old Man is part successful comedy, part
nudie-fest, and 100% weird. This
is by far the sleaziest piece of
trash that I’ve yet witnessed
(well, maybe a close second to Ed
Wood’s Necromania).
It’s cheap, poorly shot, almost
entirely post-dubbed, and lacks
any kind of cohesiveness that’s
normally present in an actual “film.”
The entire thing is filled with
bad one-liners, mumbling jokes,
and totally quirky humor (usually
involving erroneously fake Jewish
accents). Sounds terrible, huh?
Well...I loved ALMOST every minute
of it.
Dracula lives in a poorly lit cave
somewhere. He turns into a giant
fake bat on a string, talks like
a Hungarian Jackie Mason, and moonlights
as a peeping tom. Mike Waters is
a studly ladies’ man and a
hotshot reporter/photographer. He’s
sent to Dracula’s hideout
on an assignment and that’s
where things get nuts. In order
to get some help stealing babes,
Drac turns Mikey into “Irving
Jackalman,” the single worst-but-amazing-looking
werewolf I’ve ever seen in
a movie. From there, Irving kidnaps
girls and brings them back to the
cave, where the Count fondles and
kisses them. Sometimes Mr. Jackalman
decides to “do it” with
the ladies and we’re treated
to a few scenes of pants-on shenanigans.
It all ends with a fight to the
finish and a lovemaking scene on
a pile of dirty old rocks. Oy vay!
What a mind blower. If it was just
a plain old nudie film, Dracula would be a huge piece of unwatchable
garbage. However, the non-stop puns
and sleazy (but light) tone makes
you forget that nudity is even present.
I admit, a couple of the Irving
Jackalman scenes got a little explicit
-- I could have done without them
-- but it’s impossible to
take things like that seriously
given the context. Besides, the
sex content (mostly boob shots,
some full female) isn’t anything
above what you’d see on The
Sopranos, so dig in and enjoy.
Ready to rest your eyes? Good, 'cause
Guess What Happened To Count
Dracula, has to be one of
the biggest stinkers of all time.
I literally fell asleep twice during
the first 30 minutes. I fast forwarded
the rest of the way through. Ugh.
We have here 80 minutes of PG rated
pointlessness.
Our vampire, Count Adrian (a descendent
of Dracula), runs a bistro in Hollywood
called “Dracula’s Dungeon.”
He also smokes cigarettes and speaks
with a super bad Lugosi accent.
One night, a girl named Angelica
takes in dinner with her boyfriend
at Adrian’s hip restaurant.
From that point, the Count falls
in love and decides he’s going
to make her a vampire. For the next
hour, the movie grinds to a slow
halt. Angelica is bitten a few times,
her doctor tells jokes and laughs
a lot, and a giant tiger lounges
around in Adrian’s living
room. There’s also a lame
voodoo dance sequence. Check please.
I expected Guess What to be a spooky, cheap, and naive
early 70s horror movie. You know,
the kind of dumb fun you’d
watch on Saturday afternoons as
a kid. Not so. No action, no plot,
and really bad jump cuts. There’s
absolutely no reason to see this
movie and it ranks up there with
Andy Milligan’s The
Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves
Are Here! as one of the worst
films I’ve ever seen.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Both films are presented full frame
and appear pretty rough. Dracula,
The Dirty Old Man fares much
better, but both films have tons
of scratches, emulsion lines, and
discoloration throughout. Although
both prints are two of the poorest
I’ve seen from Something Weird,
they oddly seem to add to the charm
(at least in the case of the first
feature). The mono sound was adequate
for both films, although it was
often hard to make out the dialogue
in Guess What.
EXTRAS
Uhhh, well, there are two shorts
presented here. During the first
minute of “Dracula And The
Dirty Old Witch,” a naked
male vampire emerges from his coffin.
During the first five minutes of
“Sex And The Single Vampire,”
an explicit sex scene unfolds. That’s
as far as I got with both. Totally
not worth watching.
In addition to those two gems, we’ve
got several trailers and an exploitation
poster gallery with radio ad spots.
My favorite trailer was for the
film The Vampire And The
Ballerina, which looks pretty
creepy. Now why couldn’t that
film have been a second feature
here? Ah well.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Despite the awful second feature
and uninteresting extras, I had
enough fun with Dracula,
The Dirty Old Man to make
it a worthwhile rental. Although
the film was a bit on the sleazy
side at times, I can’t knock
such a cheap slice of trash that
made me laugh so much. |
Close the window
Hassle in the castle
Good ol' Irv
"Ha Ha Ha"
Sweet tooth
Let's mingle
|
