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HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME (1981)
Directed by J. Lee Thompson
Columbia Pictures DVD
Reviewed 07.27.06
Review by Dan Budnik
THE FILM
The Time: Early 1980s. The Place:
Crawford Academy, the Earth. My
height: 5’9”.
There’s strange doings at
the Crawford academy this semester.
It seems that members of a very
elite clique, “The Crawford
Ten,” are going missing. Is
a madman systematically murdering
them in various heinous ways? Or...What?
I’ve never really been a great
joiner. I left the National Honors
Society after one meeting. I was
in the Boy Scouts for several years,
mainly for the canoeing. I was never
a preppie a jock or a jerk (Ho HO!)
And, I was definitely never a part
of a clique where membership was
contingent upon having fabulously
wealthy parents. (What a great clique!)
Young Virginia (Ginny) (Melissa
Sue Anderson) seems to be at the
center of all of this. Every once
in a while she sees something innocuous
that makes the camera tilt and causes
a bright light shine on her face.
Slowly, slowly, she pieces together
a series of traumatic memories,
some of which involve brain surgery,
so there’s that to look forward
to. Could all this tilting and shining
somehow involve the missing students?
Why?
Why? Who? What? Where? When? Remember
when you were in school and these
were the five questions you had
to answer using the opening paragraph
of a newspaper article. One Walla
Walla Wisenheimer would always yell
“What about ‘How’?”
But, we, and he, knew he was wrong.
"Six of the most bizarre murders
ever...in the Universe!" touts
the movie poster (So, they are being
killed!) for this film produced
by Link & Dunning. J. Lee Thompson
directs it. The stars are Melissa
Sue Anderson, Glenn Ford, a man
I call the Bizarro-Shaloub and Lesleh
Donaldson. (She’s my favorite
actress here, which means she dies
in the first six minutes.)
But, is Ginny the killer? At certain
points in the film it looks likely,
very likely. I’m referring
to those moments when we explicitly
see Melissa Sue Anderson killing
people. But, a question rises: Could
M. S. Anderson do something like
this? The murders are sadistic and
grotesque, which doesn’t seem
like the M.O. for a Child Of Landon.
I never used to watch Little
House on the Prairie but I
remember, vividly, not watching
Highway to Heaven, too.
I have nothing against Michael Landon.
He was a great teenage werewolf.
I just never got into any of his
shows. My Grandfather loved Bonanza.
However, my Grandfather wore flannel
years before grunge so he was no
arbiter of public taste.
HBToMe (for those of us
“in the know”) is a
very nice looking slasher from the
early 80s. There are crane shots,
a couple of nice car stunts and
a mask-pulling-off scene that had
fans of Scooby Doo standing up and
cheering.
Ginny’s birthday is approaching
and certain viewers (specifically,
Dan Budnik) may get the feeling
that this is some sort of trigger
for the terrible events transpiring.
Does Ginny know that she’s
the star of a film called Happy
Birthday To etc.? I would imagine
that makes it worse. Her psychiatrist,
Dr. Glenn Ford, is trying to lead
her through the clouded events,
some of which involve the brain
surgery and car stunts mentioned
earlier. The therapy is taking some
time, though, and the killings are
getting...
I’ve never had brain surgery.
I had tubes in my ears once. You
have to wear earplugs. Oh, let me
mention something about HBToMe
here: convoluted is too light a
word for this one. Twenty minutes
shorter and with less obvious trickery,
this might have been as great as
the producers’ next film:
My Bloody Valentine. What
they learned in time for Valentine
is this: Have the killer wear a
mask. Then, no one has to go so
far out of their way to trick the
viewers (or outright lie to them).
Ginny’s mom died a long time
ago. What were the circumstances
behind that event? Could it have
something to do with...
If it was made at any other time
& wasn’t as forthright
about the murders & it didn’t
have such a hysterically rubbish
ending, the film would make a decent
thriller. (I probably wouldn’t
watch it then, but...)
Ginny? Her dad? The psychiatrist?
Her best friend? Bizarro-Shaloub?
The cute blonde? The dopey guy?
Nerdlinger with the hamster? Who
is decimating this rich and happy
group? Why kill all the rich ones?
HBToMe was never a personal
favorite of mine. (I always thought
My Bloody Valentine was
better.) It’s too long, spends
too much time trying to mislead
everyone with outright nonsense
and, even though the running time
is 12 days and 13 nights, there’s
never anything resembling a convincing
college setting. (When Final
Exam trumps you, there’s
a problem.)
If you like early-80's slashers,
this should be a part of your collection.
In the same way that "Back
To The Egg" is part of your
McCartney/ Wings collection. Or
"More" is part of your
Pink Floyd collection. Or "Presence"
is part of your Led Zeppelin collection.
(Dan, Insert Triumph reference
here. This is a Canadian film, after
all. My favorite album from the
boys is Just A Game. "Lay it
On the Line!" Damn right, I
will! -- Mr. Skull). (I'll get right
on it, Chief! -- Dan B.).
The mask is pulled off. The friends
are dying. But, are all the ones
who die dead? And vice versa? What
is going on? Could it have something
to do with the...? Possibly.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
It is nice to have the correct aspect
ratio on the DVD because J. Lee
does use it. The improvement is
really noticeable in the flashback
scenes. When the camera tilts and
lights flash, everyone was too close
in the Pan and Scan world. Now,
it looks right. (A professional
like Thompson would never frame
a scene like that so poorly).
Audio? I can hear it.
Seriously, folks. The DVD does have
some different music on it. The
only time it bugged me was in the
first ten minutes, the scene where
Lesleh Donaldson is stalked and
killed. There is a disco song called
"Out Of The Blue" playing
instead of the creepy theme music.
Two things go wrong with the use
of this funk-ass number: 1) it sets
an inappropriate mood for the opening
scares & 2) it ruins the opening/
closing credits symmetry. (All right
Nerdlinger, knock it off!)
Bernadette O’Hara (Lesleh
Donaldson’s character) steps
out of a campus building. She walks
a bit, trips and is suddenly menaced
by a large dog. The film intercuts
the growling dog with Rebecca’s
wild, frightened eyes. The VHS music
makes it all rather ominous with
a tease of tension mixed in. The
funky DVD music makes all the cutting
and the growling and the staring
look completely foolish. They fade
the music down for a moment but
you can still hear the background
singers. How can you be scared when
beautiful disco music is playing
in your life? I ask you.
EXTRAS
A few previews but nothing that
will help you find the killer.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I’m confused. But, you’re
supposed to be. Come see the The
Ten Commandments of Slasher
Films! Maybe bring a pillow? I know
who the killer is...The killer is...Send
an email and I won’t tell
you. |
Well, I ask you!
Ginny And The 'Scope
Ode to the Slasher
The Crawford Minus One
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