LONG
ISLAND CANNIBAL MASSACRE (1980)
Directed by Nathan Schiff
Image Entertainment DVD
Reviewed 05.18.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Ever grow tired of imaginary film
rules? Right off the bat, it’s
easy to rest on our laurels and
dismiss something that’s different,
crude, or amateurish. It’s
true: Long Island Cannibal
Massacre was shot on Super
8 and in no way resembles even an
ounce of what can be considered
a “real” film. But who
cares? In the end, this film is
a bizarro tour-de-force, totally
unique, and a zero budget masterpiece.
I can’t find the fault in
that.
Filled with equal amounts of bad
film hilarity, strangely surreal
chills, and lots of guts (those
of the visceral and literal kind),
Long Island has to
be one of the strangest films I’ve
ever laid eyes on (and yeah, I’ve
seen Psyched By The 4-D Witch).
It’s Schiff’s debut,
Weasels Rip My Flesh,
minus the giddy fun, but with higher
production values, intensified gore,
and an even more unusual aura --
”You don’t know what
it’s like to be the son of
a leper!” Sharpen that samurai
sword and oil up the Magnum, ‘cause
things are going to get messy.
A couple of killers are on the prowl
on Long Island. One of them (“Bruce”!)
wears a pillowcase with scuba goggles,
while the other is a full-on biker.
It seems they have a deal going
with a mastermind, played by the
mustached and afro’d Fred
Borges, but it’s all a bit
unclear. Body parts for money? Detective
Cameron (John Smihula) knows something
hot is going down, but the other
pros on the “force”
don’t believe him. He quits
and takes the law into his own hands,
no retreat, no surrender-style.
Fathers are revealed, lepers are
unveiled, and a peanut butter Frosted
Flakes-faced cannibal chows down.
Amidst flashbacks, plot twists,
daydream sequences, and speed boat
padding, some of the most excessive
gore killings I’ve ever witnessed
grace the screen. I refuse to reveal
the jaw-dropping ending. Believe
me, it’ll be worth it.
So like I said, this is a very odd
film. One minute, I’m cracking
up at the male perms, garbage bag
argument scene, and hot Trans Am
on display; the next, I’m
cringing as a girl’s stomach
is disemboweled in tight close up.
Some of the more realistic grue
was a bit intensive for my tastes,
but it was leveled out by the unintentional
laughs. How can you not go nuts
over a Fozzie Bear-meets-Yoda voice
over? Or the mind blowingly awful
acting? All of these conflicting
emotions (fun, chills, head scratchers)
are filtered through the crude lens
of a teenaged Super 8 viewfinder,
making this comic-book parade of
chills that much more surreal.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Absolutely fantastic. The full frame
print looks pretty stunning, given
its origins and age. While the expected
scratches and lines are evident,
I was really surprised by the picture
and stereo sound clarity. Things
have obviously been cleaned up a
bit, but it all seems faithful to
the original intentions. An insert
sheds some light on the soundtrack
restoration and remastering, which
is comprised of Monogram-styled
library music and cues from Horror
Of Party Beach & Taste
Of Blood.
EXTRAS
Another royal treatment for Schiff’s
second Super 8'er to hit DVD. Kicking
it off, there’s a 19 minute
interview with director Schiff and
a 9 minute interview with “stars”
Fred Borges and John Smihula. I
found these segments to be a bit
more interesting than those included
on the “Weasels” disc,
as overlapping was minimal. It was
crazy to hear Fred Borges discussing
just how close that chainsaw came
to his chin during the insane ending...
Up next, we have a full length commentary
track from director Nathan Schiff.
As with the interviews, I enjoyed
this track a bit more than the “Weasels”
commentary. While Schiff might take
things too seriously at times, he’s
never at a loss for interesting
stories and keeps things moving.
The gore effects are fully exposed
as fish heads, pig intestines, and
prophylactics. Yuck. Schiff tends
to speak more monotoned and stumbles
a bit, so don’t listen if
you’re sleepy. Also included
is a still gallery comprised of
screen grabs and authentic trailers
for all three of Schiff’s
films currently available on DVD.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Insane, unique, hilarious, and chilling.
That’s about the size of it.
If you enjoyed Weasels Rip
My Flesh, make a beeline...Forget
about the rules and celebrate the
strangeness that is Long
Island Cannibal Massacre. |
Da Chief
Bruce 'n' guts
Of the neon leg variety
Just a taste...
|
