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MOVIE HOUSE MASSACRE (1984)
part of SUPER CHILLER BLOOD-O-RAMA
Directed by Rick Sloane
Retromedia DVD
Reviewed 03.22.07
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
More often than not, explanation
is sought for life's little conundrums.
More often than not, these puzzles
can be solved with a shrug of the
shoulders and a "Boy, people
are funny sometimes." They
sure are.
Ticket sales are down, white pancake
face grease is up, dumb looks are
through the roof; welcome to Spotlite
Theatres! Movie House Massacre
aka Blood Theatre, the
debut film from special director
Rick Sloane (Hobgoblins,
Vice Academy), fills 75
minutes with a whole lot of nothing.
It's a zero budget, goof-off slasher
which prefers the company of Student
Bodies over Doom
Asylum (thank God), yet
remains a bizarre loner at heart.
Up to this point, you've probably
taken this film for a total futz.
It is. Embrace it.
A theater usher burns a film canister,
then murders the ticket teller.
Soon after, a sign says, "$25,000
Reward To Anyone Willing To Open
This Theatre." Go, Movie
House Massacre, go! Dean Murdoch,
head of Spotlite Theatres (and the
most white-faced of them all), enlists
the help of his secretary (Mary
Woronov, Rock 'N' Roll High
School) and three delectable
dopes to reopen the prologue theater.
What follows will cut you like a
knife. And you'll like it. A grandpa
slasher. The one-man Lowrey Organ/Casiotone
soundtrack. Vacuuming scenes. Plant
placement scenes. The world's worst
cheerleaders. Asinine gore effects.
A constant, randomly placed sound
effect which echoes the burst of
a Roman Candle firework. A magnificent
fake trailer titled "The Clown
Whores Of Hollywood." And finally,
we reach a coup d'etat: the toughest
goddamn fight scene since Peter
Goldson swept the beach with Greg
Rainmaker's ass in The Stabilizer.
Get it? I psyched YOU out.
Movie House Massacre may
very well put you to sleep, but
that's irrelevant. Thanks to the
constant early 80s indie-theater
nostalgia, a self-assured dedication
to unsound judgment, and tons of
garage-project charm, nonsense that
should instantly sink yields endless
entertainment. The air is musty,
ditzy, and very, very strange. The
jokes don't work, but the people
interpreting them do. Then again,
are they even "jokes"?
Phones exploding into piles of butter.
A pair of spandex jeans. Breasts
flopping in the dark. Are these
suitable punchlines? Should they
lead to an onslaught of yuks? Is
this what an afternoon in Rick Sloane's
home would feel like? Would we watch
Meatballs with Dean Murdoch?
I can only dream.
By blunt definition, funny people
like to have fun. I'm not sure where
that leaves the unnatural riddle
that is Movie House Massacre,
but I have an idea.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Originally released on DVD in 2002
as Blood Theatre, Retromedia
recycles their previous disc as
part of the "Super Chiller
Blood-O-Rama" compilation.
The full frame print is just fine,
with nice contrast and a slight
bit of ghosting. It looks a bit
clearer than a VHS. There's a fair
amount of compression artifacting
evident, but not nearly as much
as Retromedia has offered up in
the past. The mono sound has it
down.
EXTRAS
In addition to the glorious trailer
for Movie House Massacre,
which was not included on the Blood
Theatre release, the "Super
Chiller" flipper set is stacked.
Three additional films are included
(Claw Of Terror aka Scream
Bloody Murder from 1973, the
incredibly rare, Blood
Island-related Black Mamba
from 1974, and The Torture Chamber
Of Dr. Sadism from 1967), as
well as a handful of spook show
trailers and a brief gallery of
lobby cards for Claw Of Terror.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Trust the funny people. By all indications,
Movie House Massacre appears
to be a lost cause. Oh, yuk no!
The film's absurd mix of alien comedy,
utter nonsense, and closet-sized
production values makes for a leisurely
night of spectacular, early 80s
junk. I'd watch it again. |
Dean-o!
The Starlite Five Minus Two
Do you like daytime whores?
I know that it hurts
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