PIECES (1982)
Directed By Juan Piquer Simon
Diamond DVD
Reviewed 02.09.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
Believe what you’ve heard: Pieces knocks you in the face with carloads of gore and sleaze. Believe what you haven’t heard: Pieces contains a level of tedium that’s on par with mopping the kitchen floor. Think the two equal each other out? Well, there’s a really awesome robotic synth-pop song.

What went wrong? For their first outing, the producers of Don’t Open ‘Til Christmas laid the plans for a no-brainer, but forgot to add the mayo. Given the plot (Chainsaw killer! Loose on campus!) and era, you’d think a night of charming junk would be a given. I’m not sure who to blame, but Killer Workout this ain’t. In addition to the technical faults (meandering camera work, stupidly lazy script, inconsistent pacing), the filmmakers managed to alternate scenes of nasty gore and copious nudity with some of the most ridiculous padding imaginable. What you get is an asinine mix of shocks-for-shocks-sake and room-clearing dullness, in spite of a few incredibly strange moments. Read on.

In 1942, a little kid has fun assembling a naked lady puzzle. When his mom finds out, the old bat goes nutzo and begins ransacking his room, looking for more “dirty” stuff. What’s ten year old to do? Axe to the head, chop ‘er all up. Voila, it’s forty years later! A smalltown campus in Massachusetts (the movie is completely post-dubbed and was shot partly in Spain, but you get the picture) has an epidemic of chainsawed-girls on their hands. Naturally, the cops send campus nerd-stud Kendall on the case, along with a forty year old, undercover tennis player babe. Four or five red herrings pop up, but you’ll figure out who the puzzle-assembling killer is (pieces, get it?) about halfway through. Check out the knife through the waterbed-head, a girl chainsawed in half, another girl pissing her pants, a quick cut to buck naked co-eds doing it in broad daylight in the center of campus, and the racist kung-fu professor. Then check out the endless minutes of people walking in buildings, dancing, and watching tennis matches. What a night!

Clearly, Pieces is not screwing around. It’s dumb and we know it. Unfortunately, the combination of mean-spirited violence and severe pacing problems made for an overall bust. No laughs, no substance, no thanks. That ending though...now that’s the way to do it.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
Not too bad at all. If faced with going through the hassle of tracking down an out of print tape, this cheap Diamond DVD will more than suffice. The full frame print looks like it originated from a clean VHS, a bit dark at times, but not as murky as you’d expect from a budget disc. Colors are acceptable and scratches are at a minimum. No compression problems were evident. The mono sound had a bit of a hissy fit, but was fine overall.

EXTRAS
Hold my calls! Another “Bio & Fun Facts” couple of screens, coming right to you, just like they did on Diamond’s The Demon DVD. Read about Christopher George, Lynda Day George (they “starred” in the film) and peruse two taglines from the original theatrical release.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Pieces was so mindless that I couldn’t even laugh at it. If you’re looking for strict gore thrills, welcome to paradise. Otherwise, I’ll join you back at the video store, where we can pick out something that’s worth the $4.

Keep an eye on Bluto


Nerds in paradise


Maneaters


Hmmm...