SANTA
CLAUS (1959)
Directed by Rene Cardona/K. Gordon
Murray
Brentwood DVD
Reviewed 12.22.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Rene Cardona, Adolfo Torres Portillo
and probably K. Gordon Murray. Three
guys that I’d gladly extend
a hearty handshake to. Maybe even
a pat on the back. See, they’re
the minds that infused a cheap 50s
kid movie about Christmas with dialogue
like this: “There’s
a prowler out there -- he’s
come to kill your wife. And your
children. He’s going to murder
you!” Who’s speaking?
Why it’s Pitch, the leotard-clad
Satan!
If you’re not approaching
(or currently hitting) middle age,
then chances are slim that you’ve
had a moment to, ahem, experience
this motion picture. Fondly remembered
by many-a baby boomer, Santa
Claus was all but lost to
the ogres of rights issues and bootleg
obscurity for years. Until now.
Like some magical gift from far
away lands, this deranged Mexican
hodge-podge hits the ‘04 season
via the conjury of budget DVD companies.
I mean really budget; as in the
$1 to $3 range. This new emergence
even includes a once lost prologue,
pushing the slackjawed runtime into
a full 95 minutes. I’m not
sure how it happened, but then again,
I don’t really care. I’m
just glad it’s here. As for
how well Kris K. delivered, I’m
leaning more towards “Ho ho”
than “No no,” just based
on insanity alone.
Santa lives above the North Pole,
way up in the clouds. He’s
traded in the elves for children
representatives from every major
country (?!) and spends most of
his time unleashing a scary, dual-tracked
laugh. Inside the impressive Christmas
hideaway, Santa and the kids spy
on the world’s children with
computer equipment that escaped
from H.G. Lewis’ How
To Make A Doll. Not familiar
with that one? Think of silver spray-painted
cardboard mixed with foam lips and
some thrift store radios. Pretty
amazing. Concurrently, Lucifer himself
raises Pitch The Devil from the
fires of hell, commanding a single
order: stop Santa Claus at all costs.
As Santa gears up for Christmas
eve, he takes a stroll to Merlin
the Magician’s workshop, stocking
up on sleep dust, an electric door
opener, and a flower that makes
you disappear when you sniff it.
Commandeering his completely hilarious
robotic reindeer, Saint Nick takes
to the skies, ready to deliver the
goods. But Pitch has other plans.
What unfolds is a fabulously bad
moral about the true meaning of
Christmas (rich kids = set for life),
some guns, a marvelous truth coctail,
and a slight mention of Jesus. ‘Tis
the season, of course.
So that’s just the plot. So
far, I’ve made no mention
of how visually frightening this
film appears, or the increasingly
boring repetitiveness that seems
to permeate every other scene. Do
we really need to see Merlin hop
across the room one more time? Is
it important for the viewing audience
to suffer through Santa’s
entire rope climb down a chimney
every time he stops at a house?
Probably not. Thankfully, it’s
easier to ignore the obvious editing
faux-pas in favor of the homicidal
ramblings of Pitch and the genuinely
scary demeaner of Santa himself.
Horribly dubbed (I mean, awesomely
dubbed), the behemoth Man In Red
laugh-yells at every chance he gets;
curiously forcing his presence to
terrify far more than Pitch on his
best day. How did they get away
with this?
As you materialize from a dream-like
state, just remember one thing.
This is a children’s film.
Kick The Lemon Drop Kid to the curb and force the kiddies
to digest Santa Claus.
Their therapists will gladly thank
you.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Taking into account the rarity and
nearly non-existent retail price,
this is one great looking print.
While the expected scratches and
blips make cameo appearances throughout,
the picture itself remains clear
and crisp. The colors are nicely
undersaturated and whisper perfect
50s vintage, despite the occasional
compression emergence. The mono
sound was loud and clear. Overall,
well above what you’d expect
in return for a couple of bucks.
EXTRAS
Pour another glass of egg nog. Now
that’s an extra.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I laughed, I howled, I sat hypnotized.
Looking past the repetitively boring
sequences, there’s no way
you’re ever going to find
another film quite like Santa
Claus. Anywhere. Not in a
million years. I hereby proclaim
this seasonal nightmare required
feel-good viewing once a year, every
year. Just don’t show it to
any little kids. |
Santa (& orchestra)
Coordinate the coordinates
Merlin's trix
Our pal Pitch
|
