SPLATTER FARM (1987)
Directed by Mark Polonia, John Polonia, and Todd Smith
Camp Motion Pictures DVD
Reviewed 08.02.07
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
Sexual cannibalism. Grandma incest. Gay rape. Tube socks. Ah, to be eighteen again.

Vintage shot on video (SOV) trash-horror is a great leverager. When sane filmmaking just won't cut it, we, the dedicated, turn to SOV obscurities to provide the awkward degeneracy that we don't want to see, but cannot live without seeing. Oral sex with a potty-mouth puppet (Black Devil Doll From Hell). Gory, misogynistic corpse-porking by a "hippie" in a hawaiian shirt (555). Bondage rape-fantasy by a guy who drives a Trans Am (Spine). As the well of SOV obscurity grows deeper, morals loosen even further. Down to the mold. The gunk. The darkness.

There lies Splatter Farm. And something isn't right.

Thanks to 1987's Splatter Farm, teenage brothers John and Mark Polonia begat a SOV legacy which continues to this day. Yet, also thanks to Splatter Farm, the Brothers P are responsible for making Splatter Farm. Get it? Splatter Farm is a 65 minute film which follows a couple of twin nerds (the Polonias) to a family estate for some sex 'n' death deviancy. It's plotless and frequently hilarious. Look at those glasses! Check out those short-shorts! Get a load of those speech problems! Then, they throw in the sex acts, which involve watery gore, a senior citizen, a killer cousin, piss, assholes, and lots of vulgar penetration. Then, they throw in lines like "I hate to spoil lunch, but I gotta take a shit." Then, Grandma finds a firecracker shoved up her special spot. Geezus.

Splatter Farm is a portrait of creative youth in motion. It's reckless, impelling, agitated, and sloppy; living for this moment and this moment alone. The film offers a sneak-peek of what The Texas Chainsaw Massacre might look like if it was forced to ingest a 24 hour marathon of Desperate Living at a high school A/V club meeting. The white trash locations, bad facial hair, and eternally groaning synths do much to bolster the greasy, uncomfortable atmosphere. On those terms, Splatter can consider itself a success. It shocks. And shocks well. On the other hand, the idea of teenagers crafting a gore film which relies on abhorrent sexual acts to keep things rolling is just...weird. It's a little TOO real, if you catch my drift. While that may be a reason in itself to rally for the film's distinction, it doesn't do much for actual entertainment value, SOV or otherwise.

Then again, I've never humped a severed head. What do I know?

AUDIO AND VIDEO
This is not your Donna Michelle Productions VHS. Donna Michelle tapes (The Abomination, Woodchipper Massacre) are the rarest of the rare; Splatter Farm is no different. However, rather than porting over the film's original master, this DVD presents a new cut from the Polonias, one which "remains closer to our original intentions". The DVD looks sensational -- crisp, clear, and a loving representation of 80s consumer-grade camcorder wonderment. But, some gore has gone missing (it pops up in the extras), scenes are moved around, the music has been altered, and the charming paper "title cards" are replaced with computer stuffs. Bottom line: The DVD will certainly please you, but don't part with the Donna Michelle magic.

EXTRAS
Remember the Cannibal Campout DVD? Like that release, Camp decks out "Splatter Farm" with a goldmine of extras that nearly trump the feature in terms of enjoyment. But alas, additional elderly sexploits are nowhere to be found. They can't think of everything.

The most delectable supplements are "Back To The Farm: The Making Of Splatter Farm" (25 minutes) and the "Slasher Super 8s" film gallery (30 minutes). In "Back To The Farm", the eccentric Polonias concoct a thoroughly terrific home-made adventure on the history of the film. Locations, equipment, influences, and Super 8 origins are all covered. The Polonias site Blood Cult, Sledgehammer, and Fatal Images as influences (booyah), while attributing the barn-rape scene to "boundless energy and naivety." Whatever works. The "Slasher Super 8s" splices nine early 8mm shorts from the brothers into one segment, complete with commentary. They feel like a cross between the epic Hands Of Justice from Something Weird's Carnival Of Blood/Curse Of The Headless Horseman DVD and Nathan Schiff's junior high Super 8 experiments. Someone pees out of a window, there's a fat kid named Billy Reese who always plays "The Mad Slasher", and one of the Polonias exclaims, "I still have those pants!" Yes, you'll love 'em.

"The gross stuff was NOT in the script." So begins Mark and John P's constantly entertaining commentary track. With minimal overlap, the brothers cover every aspect of Splatter Farm's conception, execution, and distribution. They never slow down, as another slice of SOV mystery is explored and enhanced. In case you're wondering, the Polonias do address the film's penchant for disgusting preoccupations. It's true -- that stuff wasn't in the script. And yes, "We listened to a lot of Billy Joel at the time." Only the good die young.

Finally, a slew of trailers for the entire Camp DVD discography thus far is included, as well as a brief introductory essay from The Polonias, which resides underneath the clear DVD keepcase.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Polonias, you crazy! Cheap, disgusting, and thoroughly nerdy, Splatter Farm is the consummate 1980s SOV pervert. It doesn't get any nastier than this. Though signals are mixed, the film's notoriety remains intact, thanks to the unchecked adolescent "issues" of the Brothers Polonia. Plus, they've got the best glasses ever. SOV completists need this DVD -- if not for the film, then for the supplements. As for the rest of you? Grandmas like hugs, not fugs.

Polonias: T.C.B.


Centerfold girl


What happens on the farm, stays on the farm


Dude!