THINGS (1989)
Directed by Andrew Jordan
Left Field Productions DVD
THE FILM
"What's going on here?" "I have no idea." "That's good enough for me."
-- An actual conversation within my brain during the first fifteen minutes of this film.
The B.S. Motto "There is always another one" is never truer than with Things. Where did it come from? Why is it here? I don't know...and I also don't know where nougat comes from but that doesn't stop me from eating and enjoying.
Strange experiments make a woman give birth to ant-like Things with huge freakin' teeth. The Things swarm inside the nooks and crannies of a house in the middle of nowhere. Two "Good Time Guys" and the husband of the Thing Birther are attacked in various ways by these odd creatures. The Things strike at them, trying to eat them, when all the fellas want to do is hang out and have a nice time and maybe watch The Bestiality Channel. And...they argue a lot. And...one of them seems to spontaneously combust but doesn't. And...one of them drinks some beer that tastes like Cow Shit. ("Cowshit Beer! For the discerning asshat!") And...Amber Lynn keeps appearing and making News Announcements that seem to relate to the action but don't always. (Reminded me of Invasion From Inner Earth right there.) And...I loved (almost all of) it.
Bring me the disconnection with ham! I never, ever felt like I really knew what was going on in this film. Never felt close to the film in any way (as in "it might exist on the Planet Earth (where I live)"). This is one of those odd ducks that seem to have slid in from a parallel world where guys named Jed and Dade review movies very similar to this every week on their Award Winning Site Bleeding Scull. (Yeah, they spell it different there.) The lighting in Things is odd. The sound is off. Important things (actual things, not killer Things) happen but several of them happen off screen and we hear about them a moment later but never see them. Long stretches of people just sitting around talking about nothing. Long stretches of people walking through the house not saying much. And much of it is very, very good. Add an extra "very" if you like it "Spicy".
Things is (pretty much) the sort of film that Bleeding Skull really really loves. It has a bit of that 90s Burning Moon-style gore for gore's sake stuff going on (especially in a scene set in some sort of hallway clinic) that I used to love but now doesn't really interest me. I think, when I follow My Gut On Down, I love the film for the first 45 minutes (I'm being apx., Ron!). After that, it stays intensely weird and very watchable but I don't quite love it as much. For many, the second half of the film is the point of the whole thing and it is delightful and fun but it's not as absolutely essential as the first, wandering half. As I get older, I find I just enjoy watching folks in these films just hanging around, being "themselves".
Strange men saying odd things have always interested me and the strange men saying odd things in Things are no different. The film sits in one of those Weird, completely individual places...the likes of which we have never quite seen. If I had to pick out partners on the Strange Movie Road... It feels a bit like Desperation Rising, a bit like Winterbeast, a bit like Horror House On Highway 5…I don't know. Sounds like a recommendation to me.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Seriously? It looks and sounds terrible. That's why it's so much fun.
EXTRAS
The DVD I have is loaded. Commentary, music, more Amber Lynn, strange echoey noises. If you love Things, you will love Things more. If you don't love Things, this may make you love Things more than you did before you didn't love Things.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Frankly, Martha, the whole shebang is fascinating. Things sits on the cusp of the 80s home video horror revolution ending and right at the beginning of the 90s free-for-all, a lot of which I find rather unsatisfying now but it was sure a heck of a time then. The mix of the old and the new is very interesting because neither side really wins. Things is 100% its own film. Well, there is a possibility that "the viewer wins" but I never liked that guy. His beer tastes like Buffalo Shit strained through a bag of diapers. (I just made myself a little sick.)
Watch this with Desperation Rising and you might be reduced to tears. Of joy or of pain? Only you will know.
— Dan Budnik, 02.10.11 |
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