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WITCHERY (1988)
aka WITCHCRAFT
Directed by Fabrizio Laurenti
Media Blasters/Shriek Show DVD
Reviewed 02.14.08
Review by Dan Budnik
THE FILM
It may look like America but it's
not. Doesn't that young man look
like David Hasselhoff? It's not.
Isn't that English they're speaking?
You know what, I can't tell you.
Isn't that my dad on the bed yelling
at his crippled daughter whilst
chomping on a stogie? Yeah, you
got that part right. The rest, however,
is from Alterna-Earth. The place
where Filmirage lives. A little
hole was ripped in the time/space
continuum and the people from Filmirage
made some cash off of inter-dimensional
sales. They still laugh whenever
any of us watch The Crawlers
or Troll 2 or Witchery.
(In fact on the DVD commentary for
Troll 2, the MGM executives
all claim that they have never seen
the movie before and are not even
convinced that this is a real film.)
The world is an interesting place.
A parallel world doubly so.
Things Filmirage did that show off
that extra-dimensional "touch
of excellence":
David Hasselhoff and Linda Blair
in the same movie.
-regardless of who these two people
are in this other dimension, we
know them as H&B (famous vaudeville
team from the 20s -- now, that would
be a parallel world worth visiting!)
To have one in a movie, fun. To
have two, that is logic that no
human would have. It's just not
something a human could conceive.
And, it is brilliant. If Marjoe
Gortner had been in this, there'd
be no reason to leave your living
room.
Not all child actors are cute or
endearing.
-Some are just awful. Now, annoying
kids are annoying and that's one
thing. But, the little boy in this
one is not meant to be annoying.
He's meant to be a charming little
kid and he is just not very good
(in the "other realms",
we'd say "Bad".) Where
did they find this child? And, why
is he acting in a movie? Filmirage
knows but we didn't get the paperwork.
Old Grammy Ladies with thick accents
are the height of scary.
-"No, it's true," says
Filmirage president "?".
Look at the witch in this movie.
She's old. She has a thick accent.
When she speaks "English",
you're not sure that she knows what
she's saying. Or, even trickier,
you can't quite tell where the sentence
is going. It feels like it might
fall apart at any moment. It's not
even awkward. It's precipitous.
Yelling at your crippled daughter
is cool.
-We discussed this already. Talk
to your Dad. Tell him to stop.
A lead actress should look tranquilized.
-You've seen Unhinged!
You've loved the lazy-eyed girls
in that one! Come meet their foreign
sister, Leslie! I felt kind of bad
for David Hasselhoff (or his equivalent)
having to work alongside the lead
gal. She looks very sleepy. Her
voice is not really one that I want
to listen to and...the clincher...she
doesn't seem to understand a word
of what she's saying. (Is this the
young version of Gammy from above.)
I don't know if she's speaking phonetically
or what but when she talks the emphasis
always seems wrong and the emotions
and feelings in the things she's
saying don't always seem to match
up with her eyes and her movements.
You need to see it to understand.
It's like watching the cast of West
Side Story performing but someone
is playing the music from Guys
& Dolls. It's odd but oh
so great.
Clever things that don't strike
us as clever.
-I'm talking about the Sesame Street
tape recorder. Some important stuff
is recorded by the little kid. And,
at the big climax, the contents
of the recorder help save the day.
But, it's a goofy little Sesame
Street tape recorder. The kid seems
way too old to have one of these
and every time I see it it feels
wrong. But, I know that in the land
of Alterna-Earth, it must feels
right. So, it's up to me to interpret
why I feel this way. ("Do I
hate Big Bird?")
I could have made a list longer
than your mama but I'll cite just
one more:
Give your last freeze frame line
to the woman who doesn't seem to
know what she's saying.
-Yes, it's the Friend of Mr. H,
again. Leslie is in a hospital bed.
She is told something important.
She turns to the camera and says
the final line...and the worlds
rejoice. I won't ruin it but I will
say that it is the mix of her look,
her stilted pronunciation and the
fact that the way she says the line
is a little off...you will not forget
this. (Maybe you should write it
down. Just in case you do.)
Filmirage is the best. Who were
they? Where did they come from?
How many movies did they make? These
are all things I could easily look
up. However, I prefer to remain
in the dark. I believe my theory
about alternate dimensions is a
good one.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
It sounds fine. The letterboxing
is a nice touch. (I kept seeing
secret messages in the bars.) The
whole film has that look that foreign
films from the second half of the
80s (at least, the real cheap ones)
have. I'm not sure if it's the film
stock or the lighting but, apparently,
Alterna-Earth has the same sort
of thing going on with their movies.
EXTRAS
Some trailers. They're movies I
recognize, though. What does that
mean? Did someone get duped? Was
it me?
FINAL THOUGHTS
The spirit of an actress haunts
a strange house on an island somewhere
off of the coast of New England.
A bunch of people assemble and the
spirit begins to kill them. Satan
shows up at one point. Filmirage,
you've done it again! It doesn't
quite scale the heights of Troll
2 but I think that's only because
I recognize some of the actors.
Troll 2 steps towards us
completely new. Witchery
has touches of "our world'
about it.
Anyone want to take a cruise to
Alterna-Earth? I think Norwegian
Cruise Lines goes there. |
Help, I'm pregnant
Hoffery?
The good stuff
Flappin' the gams
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