WOODCHIPPER MASSACRE (1989) Directed By Jon McBride
Camp Motion Pictures DVD
THE FILM
Twelve year old Tommy Casiello just performed a spastic, uninformed air guitar workout. The late 1980s have spoken. Pass me a dry pair of pants.
Don’t panic! You’re at the right place. Director Jon McBride just pulled a fast one. The extreme gore, diarrhea mouths, and unending restlessness of McBride’s shot on video (SOV) debut, Cannibal Campout, have gone missing. Woodchipper Massacre, the shot-in-Connecticut follow-up to Cannibal, furtively exchanges the excess for elegance. Comedic elegance. That is, unless you fail to see the hysterical sophistication in watching a red-mulleted kid with a Rambo fetish, humongous wire-rimmed glasses, and an emotive eyebrow problem performing the aforementioned air guitar ballet. If that doesn’t tickle your fancy, trouble is afoot. Take two doses of Phantom Brother and call me in the morning.
Where in the world is Christina Applegate? When Dad leaves for a weekend trip, he leaves siblings Jon (Jon McBride), Denise (Denice Edeal), and Thomas (you know who) in the care of pain-in-the-ass Aunt Tess (Patricia McBride, Jon’s Mom). Denise yells “She’s a pill!” as Thomas notes, “What a space cadet!” Denise paints her toes. Jon plays the piano. Birds wander in the backyard. Tess gives cooking lessons. After a misunderstanding, Thomas’s authentic Rambo survival knife plunges into Tessie’s gut. The babysitter has passed. The body must be destroyed. To the woodchipper! Soon after, amped-up cousin Kim arrives. He has a problem with spittle, terrible grooming, and says “fuck” a lot. Connecticut is so beautiful during this time of the year.
Falling somewhere between You Can’t Do That On Television and a high school madrigals pageant, Woodchipper Massacre is definitive 80s hilarity. Only, the actual jokes aren’t so hot. Following the trend of similar late 80s SOV trash-horror films, Woodchipper shoots for spoof over shock. Results are feeble. The frequent empty spaces, ear-rending dialogue delivery, and plain old naïveté of the entire $400 production keeps the film from hitting its bloodless, well-intentioned “sit-com lite” mark. No sweat. You’ll still be on the floor. Heavenly dorks. Extreme close-ups. Plastic Casio soundtrack. Constant “outside voices.” Unprecedented Le 1989 fashions, situations, and attitudes. Spiced with a pleasant whiff of behind-the-scenes harmony, Woodchipper Massacre is almost too good to be true -- just make sure you set the volume low. Really low.
Now, a few confessions. I looked a bit like Thomas when I was twelve years old. I also knew a thing or two about ripping some ass on my air guitar. Nerds of a feather flock together.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Terrific. Woodchipper Massacre steps out from total obscurity with a class. Improving a bit upon the quality of the old Donna Michelle Productions VHS, Camp’s DVD looks like it was cut straight from the S-VHS master. Charms are retained (heavy hiss, the occasional video blurp), but the image is brighter and more defined. The mono sound remains untouched. Pixel compression was nowhere to be found. I’ll say it again: Terrific.
EXTRAS
Cannibal Campout sends over the supplemental party vibes. Woodchipper Massacre catches them.
Back for round two, director Jon McBride (he’s on the phone) and moderator Mark Polonia (he’s in the room) deliver another comprehensive commentary track. It’s more in-depth than Cannibal’s talk, but still loose and amusing. “Woodchipper” gets the full shakedown; distribution with Donna Michelle, editing on professional equipment, working with the kids, and even a little context on the state of SOV films in 1989. McBride has a fondness for the film, but he doesn’t mistake sincerity for haughtiness. Statements like “I’m very happy and thankful...” make for not only a cheerful listen, but also invoke a greater appreciation for his budget-deficient work as well.
While not as involved as the extras on the Cannibal disc, the “Making Of” featurette (14 minutes), “VideoBob” internet interview with Jon McBride (13 minutes), and behind-the-scenes still gallery (4 minutes) give you exactly what you’re looking for. Thomas won a Daytime Emmy! Denise went to college! Jon still owns the clothes he wore in the film! With only a base overlap, the entire cast checks in and the backyard enthusiasm seeps. The Camp Trailer Vault returns (two vintage spots for McBride's films and three newly created for Video Violence, Video Violence 2, and Ghoul School) and a nice insert/postcard with liner notes from director McBride rounds things out.
FINAL THOUGHTS
My imaginary six-stringer is all revved up. Is yours? Woodchipper Massacre improves upon the drabness of Cannibal Campout and rightly takes its place in the late 80s hysterical hall of fame. As a bonus, the DVD delivers a healthy dose of SOV virtue. If you’re into it, do not hesitate.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 01.04.07 | 
It's like a ballet
Blinded by fabric
Aunt Tess (almost) does dreadful things
Tommy The Great
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