THE ZERO BOYS (1986)
Directed by Nico Mastorakis
Simitar/Omega Entertainment DVD
THE FILM
I once worked as an art director for a prominent realtor. One of the higher-ups was what you might consider a "man's man". He loved sports. He owned a formidable German Shepherd. His wife had large, artificial breasts. Frequently, this man arrived at work in a vintage baby-blue Pontiac Firebird, blaring the horn while showing off one of his many southwest-styled leather blazers. However, he did not have a license plate which read "ZERO BOYZ".
What a fucking pussy.
The Zero Boys juxtaposes the astonishing world of testosterone-fueled "survival games" with only the finest in backwoods slasher motifs circa 1986. Impossible? No. Hysterical? Quite. If in doubt, please refer to the first five minutes, in which someone is shot in the crotch, a man dresses up as Hitler, and a glossy photo of Rambo is tacked to a wall, followed by the phrase, "Eat your heart out, Sly."
Upon trumping the Weekend Warriors Survival Game Tournament, Stevez, Ripz, and Larryz (aka THE ZERO BOYZ!) grab the Zero Girlz, load up Steve'z jeep, and head out for a celebration in the woods. Right after I noticed that the jeep'z license plate read "ZERO BOYZ", Steve'z new gal sez "I fuck on the first date". Then, the gang breaks into a house. Why? Well, no one's home and the owners are "probably just a bunch of faggots livin' in the woods". As a sea of ill-timed sexual innuendoes flow, a pair of snuff-filming slashers in Chuck Taylors give The Zero Boyz a run for their mullets.
Although I zoned out for a majority of this film, I cannot praise The Zero Boys enough for its discerning stance on gender roles, Jason Voorhees references, and humping puns. In an era when more fanciful semi-slashers were concerned with such simplicities as playing guitars without strings (Killer Party) or running over babies with cars (Truth Or Dare), Zero Boys does not shy away from social responsibility. Competitive men, trophy women, and the trials they face in the aftermath of a paintball game.
Where's my new license plate?
AUDIO AND VIDEO
If every DVD company would get on the VHS-master bus, home entertainment enthusiasts would be a much happier lot. Simitar has the keys. It's up to the rest of 'em to start the engine.
EXTRAS
In addition to a vintage home video trailer for The Zero Boys, we get another trailer for something called Glitch. It's three minutes of ninjas, beer helmets, and girls in g-strings. In other words, an average Tuesday night in my apartment.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I can't believe this is a movie. The Zero Boys is a typical mid-80s slasher (a little blood, some boredom, lots of sex talk) that just happens to center around a group of bro-dudes who play survival games. It's a lot more "interesting" than the similarly-themed Commando Games: Deadly Pursuit in that some things actually happen. So don't be a fucking pussy. See it right now.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 09.22.11 |
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