Article by Joseph A. Ziemba

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what they all say -- “I too created Super 8 embarrassments in my long gone days of youthful excitement, but that’s no reason to show them to anyone.” Or maybe “Why would anyone want to waste their time watching such amateurish, poorly shot, self-indulgent claptrap?” There is a reason to show it. Believe me, somebody wants to see that 12 minute Frankenstein epic shot in your parents’ backyard circa 1975. I’m living proof.

So where’s the appeal? Where’s the magic? That’s easy. Any old crumb with fifty bucks, grandpa’s crawlspace of treasures, or access to ebay can shoot a Super 8 monster opus in an afternoon. The Super 8 format is mouth watering. It’s accessible. It’s tangible, actual FILM and anyone can do it. The quick, off-the-cuff feel of an amateur Super 8 film is the most perfect distillation of joyful and spontaneous creativity in filmmaking. You cannot deny the power of creative excitement and the mystery behind the ordinary. Who’s to say you need film school and tons of bread to share a little delight? Nobody. Any and all horror-themed Super 8 films are worth exploring and appreciating; be they boring, surreal, hilarious, odd, or total rip-offs.

Unfortunately, in the modern world of digital video, the Super 8 format is all but dead. Sound film has been discontinued and processing seems to be taking the long way home. But wait...what’s this? The digital world is rescuing its magnetic friend. Thanks to the marvels of DVD, numerous Super 8 rarities, from the never before seen The Hunchback Of Massapequa Park to the infamous 80s cable staple A Polish Vampire In Burbank, are beginning to see the light of day. So grab your rubber monster mask, cut open that bottle of fake blood, and NEVER OPEN THE CARTRIDGE! You’re being whisked away to that cold dank basement with the unopened trunk in the corner. Go ahead, crack the lid...what follows is an ever-growing list of capsule reviews, full length reviews, and random stuff -- all Super 8, all fun.

What follows is a brief overview of the oddball Super 8 shorts released as supplements by Something Weird Video. Spread out over several DVDs, these mysterious shorts range in quality from the most basic of home movies to quite impressively elaborate. Currently, Something Weird is the only company releasing unknown Super 8 shorts as DVD extras, a fantastic notion which I hope will continue. Check your exposure and then proceed.

The Hunchback Of Massapequa Park (6 minutes)
Hands Of Justice (7 minutes)
Source: Carnival Of Blood/Curse Of The Headless Horseman DVD

Hot damn, whatta title! “The Hunchback Of Massapequa Park” plays life by a simple slogan: it’s either kill or be killed. As spooky library music swells in our ears, the title character, decked out with clay eyes and a big gray mustache, stalks an unsuspecting youth on the streets of suburbia. Not wasting any time, Hunchie gives the kid a beating, stuffs him into a garbage bag with some leaves, and beats him over the head with a rake. Then it gets good...a garbage truck arrives and dumps that sucker into the back! Ha Ho Ha! Not yet satiated, the Hunchback attacks and kills a guy smoking a cigarette, climbs a tree, then attacks another kid. His work completed, Monsieur Hunchback takes to the sidewalk...always searching for more prey. The End.

Now this is what I’m talking about. Innocence and glee exudes throughout the runtime of “Hunchback,” making it a real gem. Obviously, a couple of fourteen year old dudes got together on a Saturday afternoon in the late 60s, threw on some bad make-up, and let the good times roll. Sometimes the victims laugh and the Hunchback stops to look at the camera. Flawless.

Take a seat Chuck Bronson; “Roy” has entered the building. Amidst a psychedelic garage funk soundtrack, teenager Roy dishes out some psychotic and gross grue revenge in “Hands Of Justice.” Thanks to some blurry title cards, we learn that Roy has just emptied his savings (a ten dollar bill) to pay for his ailing mother’s operation. Crossing the street, he’s jumped by a thug, throttled by some fists, and robbed of his money. Since the police won’t help, Roy begins contemplating revenge as a series of daydream kill scenes play out. We’re then treated to some eyeball plucking, a little fiddling of chicken insides (no fake blood allowed), a cut-off head with spaghetti sauce blood and more butcher rejects, and the piece de resistance: blowing off some actual fireworks on the thug’s chest to simulate gunshots. I cringed. How does it end? Just as Roy finishes up the last daydream, Mr. Robber walks by in front of his house. Enraged, Roy leaps through the front door, throws the guy in the street, and holds him down as a car rolls over a stand-in dummy. Gratuitous head pillaging is next, as Roy kicks, smashes, and tosses a gory mannequin head across the street. Justice is served. The End -- © 1981.

Looks like Mike A. Ruggiero, the maestro behind this mess-terpiece, had a lot of teenage angst to dispel of...or maybe just some easy access to a bunch of frozen chickens. Not all that enjoyable per say, but maybe it was due to the fresh-out-of-the-freezer-with-no-fake-blood gore? Still, an interesting study in the art of teenaged Super 8 insanity, with plenty of hip 80s fashions to keep you glued to the set.

Nightmare (19 minutes)
Source: The Mighty Gorga/One Million AC/DC DVD

Dinosaur Super 8 epic = golden hilarity. A goony looking nebbish in Chuck Taylor sneakers hits a detonation device and is whisked away to a prehistoric forest via intuitive film scratches. Cue the timpani hits and cobwebby theremin music. Once there, he encounters a hairy turd, which chases our time traveler up a tree and wages a three second, stop-motion battle with a hairy turd gorilla. We are then introduced to scenes featuring our hero struggling with a large plastic iguana, a rubber snake, and aimlessly wandering the forest. Some claymation dinosaurs (and a missing link) appear, fight, and chase the traveler. He passes out and wakes up on the shore of a beach, seemingly back in modern times.

Hold up, it’s not over yet! Seems as though the traveler has brought back a dinosaur along with him. The newspapers don’t believe it, despite a time traveler-taken photo! Incorporating some stunning depth of field, the clay dinosaur terrorizes the neighborhood, only to meet his demise at the business end of a firecracker. But wait...was it all a “Nightmare”?!

As if you couldn’t tell, this short was anything but boring and always hilarious. Really bad stop-motion, even worse “special effects,” and the surprising length made for a good watch. I guess the scope is pretty impressive for a bedroom film, but it’s still non-stop laughs. Looks to be from the early 70s, judging from the clothes and cars. And who knew you could get such quality mileage out of a plastic toy dinosaur? One more thing to note: the jack-of-all-trades behind this opus is Larry Ruggiero. Yep, older brother of “Hands Of Justice” auteur Mike Ruggiero. How do I know? The hand-written credits tell all.

Bedtime Booga-Booga (5 minutes)
Source: Monster A-Go-Go/Psyched By The 4-D Witch DVD

Sometimes, the good guys just can’t win. An ordinary looking schlub living in an attic apartment gets ready for some shut-eye. Waitaminit...was that a monster face in the window? With a swish of the hand, our pajama clad hero decides “nah.” Before retiring, the tube is flipped on and a little Night Of The Living Dead is taken in. Our hero becomes agitated, doing more of that arm swishing, and gets under the covers. The dreams begin...amidst a whole bushel full of dry-ice, three rubber-masked ghouls appear and chase him down. One of ‘em pulls out a knife and begins to cut his throat. Wake up! It was all a dream. Gotcha. The guy’s throat really is cut, as another rubber masked monster stands over him with a bloody knife. The mask is removed, a cackling robber is revealed, and the attic is robbed. Blackness.

Booga-Booga indeed. For a homemade short, this is a pretty interesting little creepfest. The chasing ghouls pulled me right back into a local Jaycees “Haunted Woods” Halloween extravaganza circa 1985. You know, where older kids clad in cheap masks, flannels, and their dad’s oversized sport-coats chase after you with fake knives and chainsaws (without the chain, natch!). For that reason alone, it was worth the five minutes. The photography looks pretty decent as well, making this short one of the more elaborate of the bunch. Leather jackets and tight jordache jeans? 80s all thy way.

Halloween Haunted House (3 minutes)
Spook House Ride (2 minutes)
Source: Monsters Crash The Pajama Party DVD

Monsters Crash, as a concept, is thoroughly enjoyable and very successful. The entire DVD takes on the persona of some insane paste-up ‘zine. Features are navigated by randomly clicking on different images, as a cornucopia of cheap halloween fun unspools before your eyes. All of that said, this disc is the perfect container for a couple of actual home movies -- i.e. dad shooting around the house during Halloween as opposed to a narrative “film.” While there are a few other shorts included on this disc (definitely of the homemade variety), it’s uncertain as to what film format they were shot on, so I will exclude them from discussion.

Both of the 60s-era (I think) home movies included here are intriguing. In fact, they might be the most fascinating of all, capturing real moments in time that’ll never be the same. In the first, Halloween Haunted House, it’s Halloween day. We’re treated to several elaborate lawn decorations, some kids trick or treating, and a cap-off walk through someone’s homemade spook house. In this era of Halloween nonexistence, it’s really nice to see people actually enjoying the holiday as a fun slice of life. Spook House Ride does not defy its name. Grab a seat and take a brief trip through an automated scare-car carnival ride, complete with very odd monster concoctions and screaming passengers. I remember a ride just like this as a kid...but it had a glow-in-the-dark Wolfman instead of a murderin’ old woman with a crutch. Go figure.

Mercury Amazing Vs. Vampyrum (7 minutes)
Source: Starman Vol.2 DVD

Sweet alphabet, you’ve saved the best for last. An intergalactic toy Star Wars ship lands on a miniature mountain set. Twenty or so jump cuts occur before you realize an attempt at stop-motion photography is unfolding. It appears that a space-vampire named Vampyrum, looking eerily similar to Jaime from Small Wonder, has landed on earth, complete with a pet play-doh blob monster housed in a shoebox. After snacking on his plasma bag of blood, Vampyrum notices a scary stuffed rabbit, hopping along as if by a string. He puts the bite down. Not yet satiated, Mr. V attacks a girl on a bike. After some scuffling, she disappears, he steals the bike, and the blob sits on her flip flops. Cue Vampyrum demonstrating how the miniscule task of bike-riding can become a colossal hassle when wearing a plastic Ben Franklin vampire cape. Completely hilarious.

Ready for round two? Vampyrum unleashes the blob onto Washington D.C.! The phone lines are clogged, as someone’s mom sits at a desk adorned with Old Glory. The blob continues its rampage, gobbling up miniature houses in five frames or less. Who can help? Why, it’s “Mercury Amazing,” that poor kid clad in androgynous ballerina tights! Mercury arrives on the scene, dispelling the threat of the blob with his raygun and sword-battling Vampyrum on a cardboard moat bridge. Knowing that Mercury is truly amazing, Vampyrum retreats in rubber bat form, off to greener galaxies.

The twelve year old mind is a force to be reckoned with. As evidence, please view Mercury Amazing Vs. Vampyrum, by far the most epic short to be featured here. Guffaws, uber-weirdness, and the worst stop motion I’ve ever seen. Like The Hunchback Of Massapequa Park, this short seems to capture the pure root of being a movie-obsessed kid, only with a few more variations thrown into the grainy pot. Astonishing glee.

So what about the full length features? Although sparse in numbers, the two filmmakers pinpointed here seem to be the most “famous” in terms of feature length Super 8 notoriety. In addition, they’re the only two, as far as I know, to have work immortalized by the release of a DVD. Gore? Laughs? Weirdness? Yes, yes, and yes.

Exploding from rural Long Island comes teenaged Nathan Schiff and his Super 8 gore trilogy(Weasels Rip My Flesh, The Long Island Cannibal Massacre, and They Don't Cut The Grass Anymore). Ranging in date from 1977-85, I had never heard of Schiff or his films until the release of these three titles on DVD from Image Entertainment. The “trilogy” itself is a force to be reckoned with in the annals of bizarre and surreal filmmaking. Which begs the question -- are there other films like this out there? The mind boggles. If you’ve never heard of Schiff, consider this your handshake and seek out these blood-spurting, extras-packed gems. Weasels Rip My Flesh is most definitely the all-encompassment of no-budget, homemade Super 8 charm. Start there and continue on until you’ve exhausted every red-tempra-paint-and-egg-yolk-soaked minute. Things may get a bit extreme by the time They Don't Cut rolls around, but that's for you to decide. Kudos to Image for making these films available and treating them so well.

Straight from the hills of Hollywood comes two Super 8 horror comedies from director Mark Pirro. A Polish Vampire In Burbank, Pirro’s debut full length film, holds the distinction of being the first Super 8 movie to be shown on national cable TV in the 80s. Seemed like it was in every ma and pa video store at the time too. It has since been hailed as the most famous (and successful) full length Super 8 film of all time. Not exactly my cup of tea, but I can’t deny the enthusiasm that went into making it. Pirro went on to film a Super 8 semi-sequel, Curse Of The Queerwolf, amidst other real horror-comedy projects.

The number of weirdo Super 8 films currently available on DVD barely scratches the surface. I’d like to see that change. This is a call to anyone with the powers to release these films on DVD. Where’s Gore-Met Zombie Chef From Hell? How about your cousin Peter’s dorky 1980 monster film, Werewolf In The Basement? I love this stuff -- it’s a secret peek into the world of unending creativity and good, old fashioned fun. A nice reminder that life isn’t always so uptight, and true eccentricities will always exist in the world, forging ahead even if no one cares. These films are the legacy of what most critics and scholars would deem “ordinary,” “unintellectual,” or “amateur,” and therefore worthless garbage. Too bad for them, ‘cause we all know they’re missing out. Big time.