Don't Call Me Kubusheskie (My Heart Belongs To Moose):
Halloween With You Can't Do That On Television
Dan Budnik, 10.21.10
What? the. F***.
Season 5, Episode 16 from 1984.
In this episode of You Can't Do That On Television, Ross has a "curse" placed on him by Moose, which causes all sorts of terrible things to happen to him. Senator Lance Prevert keeps trying to go trick or treating with the kids. And, Lisa shows Dougie the "Do's and Do Not Do's" of Trick or Treating. There are many gloryful and wonderlous sketches involving Halloween. There is the sound of constant laughter. It's a fast-moving, fun-loving half-hour of television for kids of all ages.
What a disappointment!
I used to watch YCDTOT (that's what the You Canties call it...wink!) religiously when I was a kid. When Moose left, I trailed off, went on to other shows, other laughs. DO NOT talk to me about the "New Cast". Please! I have boycotted Canada since 1989 because of that chicanery. The kid in the leather jacket. The kid with the red hair. The girl who reminds me of my sister. Put 'em in a bag and mail 'em to Hell 'cause I don't want to be a part of it.
Sorry...But, as a 7th Level Barthian, I have every right to become overheated.
OK...Back to My Disappointment. I haven't watched YCDTOT in years. So, when Mr. Skull said "Dave, could you review this?" I jumped to it. Mr. Skull does not fool around. He doesn't have time. I know that because, when he asked me, he was busy planning on watching .357 Magnum for the 12th time this year. The man has things to do. Woe Betide the person who gets in his way.
"The Halloween episode". The one where they dress in all the different "Paris Fashion Costumes" for Halloween, constantly forcing Moose to change her outfits. My favorite "costume" was the kilts. Each of the kids had different colored patches on their knees. Loved it! I could not wait to see this episode again. This was going to be my best review ever. I had been looking for this half-hour of super TV for twenty years and I was all set to love it again.
Well...imagine my disappointment when it turned out that none of what I thought was in the episode is in this episode. I sat there watching the Halloween episode saying "What the hell? This isn't the episode that I remember from around 25 years ago. I'm so disappointed in this show." Why?, you know what I mean, just why? Mr. Skull had got this episode for me and it wasn't the one I thought it was and I'm not happy...as a 7th level Barthian, I have every right to my disappointment.
One doesn't just "become" a 7th Level Barthian...One attains the level as a You Can't Do That On Television fan of the Highest Order.
Moose is The One & Only Host.
Kubicheski will lead us to The Way.
Vanessa and Doug were in love. We just never knew it.
You don't know anything until you've walked a Ruddy Mile.
Ross, Barth, Sen. Prevert, Blip and so forth are all the same guy.
The New Cast is "Evil".
That's just the start. Look, I'm a fan. But, I'm also a writer for the Bleeding Skull Website Towards The Advancement of Movies (BS Towards AM). I don't have time to waste. I need to watch either Final Exam for the 14th time or Don't Go In The Woods for the 23rd. These obscure films won't watch themselves again and again and then write about themselves in the "BS-style" that has taken the "world" by storm. So, if this episode of YCDOTT isn't the one I think it's going to be from two-and-a-half decades ago, then hit the freakin' Road! Byron Quisenberry needs me to watch Scream again. I can feel it.
So...look...I was there circa-1981/2, when Nickelodeon showed the "Work" episode of YCTDOT over and over again. I saw Moose shoveling the dirt into the wheelbarrow again and again...It was awesome. I knew that this was the show for me and I went to school the next day and told all my "friends" about it over lunch in the far corner. They listened and laughed when I told them about the kid who kept getting the Firing Squad guy shot and they laughed at all the gross food Barth served and they sighed when they thought of Moose and we had a great time.
So, you see I was hooked. Hooked on YCDTTO. And, over the next five or six years, I ran home from school to make sure that I was sitting in front of the TV with a bowl of Fruit Brute and my "laughter" in gear. I watched every episode in the afternoon and then again in the evening. We didn't have a Beta at that time but I would record them with the VCR In My Mind. And, that was an awesome VCR.
Yes, I had all the attendant merchandise. What true fan of YCDTTT didn't? Could you call yourself a true fan if you didn't have all the merchandise? Hell no! Call yourself a fan without all the products and I will come to your house and put your Ass in a Sack!
Yes...I had Dougie's Album ("Don't Call me Dougie") with the cool-ass picture of him on the front. I wore new grooves into that album -- I listened to it so much. I had all 13 episodes of Travel Tips With Lisa Ruddy on Beta. I just recently transferred those over to Blu-Ray. My Blu-Ray transfer machine took a while to hook up (what with measuring sea level and charting the proper direction the current should go) but I finally got all those "Travel Tips" over and, although I will not chuck the original Beta tapes, they will be able to rest.
I had seventeen autographed photos of Vanessa. Although, I don't know...I blame her for all of this disappointment. I asked for another one and she said "No Way!" I even called her but nothing...Watch it, Vanessa. As a true 7th level Barthian, I know what I must do to someone who has wronged me. I will find out where you live and I will poop right on top of your house.
You will come home one day and I will be squatting on your roof with my Beta-Blu-Ray HDSD machine...and I will be leaving one behind. And, I hope a satellite picks up me doing this because it will be awesome! 8th Level Approaches!
Look...I'm not kidding...I am the Biggest Fan Ever! I can hear you sigh. You don't believe me! OK...Let's make this personal for a moment. Four stories and then I'm back to the merchandise.
1. I ran the You Can't Do That On Television Fan Club in my hometown of "___" from '83-'85. Every Tuesday night in my basement from 6-8:15, the members of our August Group would assemble with Fruity Marshmallow Krispies squares and the latest episode of the show, recorded on my Personal VCR...and I would act out every sketch. It was the best. To be such a part of Fandom like that. Yes, you may well ask...Isn't this what you did every night? Yes, I did. And, you might follow that up with, Isn't it true that you were the only member? No, that is not true. My friend Steve was a part-time member. Steve was there once every couple months and on those Special Tuesday nights...we had the Official Sanction of YCDTOT behind us. That's what made it a "Fan Club". Would a non-fan have done all of this? Of course not! Go watch your freakin' Tales Of The Gold Monkey and Leave me Alone!
2. I spent the years of '82-'84, trying my hardest to get on the show as one of the "Roving Camera Kids" or whatever they called them. You know what I mean. They would cut to film and interviews with kids talking about whatever the episode's topic was...or they'd tell a joke. I kept my eyes and ears open for three years. I had a joke ready..."A dog walks into a bar. The bartender asks him how his day was. The dog says 'Ruff'." About 50% of the joke was in the way I would tell it...If they asked me a question, I had my finally tuned sense of humor and my intelligence ready. But...nothing...I never got to where they were. I hung out at schools throughout the State of "___" every Saturday for three freakin' years... Nothing! Eventually, I started to lie. That's how intent I was upon being on My Show! (Well, the show.) I began to tell people that I was the kid from Episode 6 of Season 3 "Rip-Offs" who told the story about the corn chips:
"Well, I remember one time, I pushed the button on a machine. I was trying to get some corn chips. I pushed the button and got the kind that I cannot stand."
I would recite this over and over to everyone who would listen. And, on three separate occasions, to folks who would not listen. I also told people that I was also in "Culture Junk" two episodes later and I said some very intelligent things. Then, it turned out that that kid was a girl and she began to send me letters telling me to knock it off...Sad story but the Proof of My Fandom is Laid Bare.
3. In '97, I spent one full year organizing the first ever "Annual Barth-Con". It was scheduled for 1998, February. It was going to be at the airport. The Hilton. We had a merchandise room, a viewing room (NO NEW CAST EPISODES!), and two conference rooms where all the guests would convene with the fans and we would all meet and discuss the world of the show. I had even found someone who claimed to have two of the missing Season 1 hour-long CJOH episodes! And, Saturday Night was "Whatever Turns You On" night! It was going to be superb. Well...in the end, there was some miscommunication and we didn't get the weekend when we were supposed to and we didn't get the rooms we were supposed to...We got the merchandise room, our "Merchandise Closet", as my "friend" Barney called it, during a "Remodeling Weekend" at the hotel. There were only three other Fans there (no guests). I was determined to make the 4-days the best ever but I did notice that my three guests (Barney, Jynnifer & Redfern) were dressed as a vampire, werewolf and the Frankenstein Monster...Turns out they were there for the Monster Mania Convention, which was the next weekend. After about a half-hour, they took off. But, I was determined to enjoy my weekend. However, due to another mishap regarding the "Remodeling", I was locked into the room for the remainder of the weekend. From Friday at 9PM to Monday at 8AM, I was in the room by myself with a thermos of soup and all the free water I could drink. (The one thing from the Big Weekend that they came through on.) After two nights, I was feeling rather great about being a YCDTOT fan. I sang the theme song loud and proud over the sounds of drilling from neighboring rooms...And, by Sunday night, I was in my finest finery dancing with Lisa Ruddy all night long...I held her close to me and we glided around the room. The fuses must have been out because the windowless room was so dark but that didn't stop my dancing. When the staff opened the door on Monday morning, they found a 7th Level Barthian reenacting every 'Ready...Aim...Fire" bit in the show. After the cops had finished talking to me, I had to agree with Lisa and myself that, although it seemed a bit sad, this was the best weekend ever.
4. I had a You Can't Do That On Television Wedding. Yes, my wife was resistant at first but I told her "Steve will back me up here! Steve will back me up!" I hadn't seen Steve in years. No one else in the 100 invitees remembered the show but Steve did. And, he would back me up on whatever I came up with. Now, the antics were, unfortunately, kept to a minimum. There was a Green Slime Punch and, yes, I got my mother-in-law to say "Water" and I doused her...But, apart from insisting upon dressing like Sen. Prevert, the major change was when the priest said "Do you take this woman?" I said "I don't know." And I got covered in Green Slime. It was incredible. Yes, I was covered in green muck for the rest of the ceremony but no one cared. I just wished Steve had remembered the show. When I saw him, he asked me what the fuck the green shit was about? Turns out he didn't remember YCDTOT. He was thinking of "Out Of Control" with Dave Coulier. Oh well. Regardless, we're still married. (Not Steve and I. My wife and myself.) My mother-in-law won't visit and, due to the green "filth" on my tuxedo, we became the first married couple in the history of The Photograph to have absolutely no pictures of the groom taken, at all...all day...but I tell these stories to reiterate that I am A Fan!
One thing I do wish...If only Elisabeth Richardson had had some great merchandise made based around her..."Our team is red hot. Our team is red hot." Moose was my favorite gal but Elisabeth was smoking hot. As an 8-year-old, I knew that she was the woman for me (although, at 8, I didn't know what I meant by that) and I thought of her quite often. Wondering what life would be like if I could only hold her hand, kiss her cheek...Can you love someone too much?
On an unrelated note, how long does a restraining order last? Is it different in Canada?
Regardless...Merchandise! Watch me blow you out of the water and then punch your Mom in the slats!
I had the Dougie Underoos. Who didn't? From the front, you could see Dougie smiling at you. From the back, Dougie was frowning...his face dripping with green slime. Those were cool...In fact, non-believers, I have them on now. A little snug around the baloncestos but always cool.
Remember the Happy Days Crossover? When The Fonz said "I Don't Know" and Ross got drenched! When the Cunninghams and The Fonz ended up at Barth's Burgery. All the gals were swooning over The Fonz except for Lisa who went for Ralph Malph. That was the first time that a cable/network crossover had been done. Wish they would release the 10th season of Happy Days on Blu-Ray so we can see that episode. Why isn't that YCDTTT in the 12 DVD-R "Complete Collection" that I see online? I wanted to pick that up but where is that episode? I was hoping to buy those DVD-R's and then, using my Blu-Ray transfer machine, move them over to Blu-Ray for HD and then back to VHS for HDSD and then to Beta and back to Blu-Ray for the best of both worlds. Why am I the one who always has to think of this stuff?
Look, I had Alasdair's rap album "You Can't F**K My Sh*T UP!" And, yes, I went to see "You Can't Do That On Television On Ice!" twice. I adored that show so much. The critics tore it up because it was just Kubusheskie playing Ice Hockey with himself for ninety minutes but is Irony Really Dead? (Especially on a show with Alanis?) It's like my RCA Selectavision collection of the 9-hour long episodes of the Winter-mid-season replacement You Can't Do That On Kevin Kubusheskie -- 450 minutes of Kevin ice skating and winterizing his tires. So superb. This seems like obsessive minatuie...but only if you're not a fan...Are you a Fan?
Now, at this point in time, I just remembered...who remembers this?...Lisa Ruddy in Playboy! I remember sneaking down to my Uncle's basement bathroom, near the pool table, and going through his fifteen years of Playboys stacked in the cabinet above the toilet...God, those articles were as great as everyone said they were. Well, it turns out the Photo Spread was of Dougie and it was just an interview with Lisa. But...for me...a Fan...Perfect! Ruddymania Kicks In! and I am there...It was a great interview. She just talked and talked. I don't even know if the interviewer asked a single question. That was the interview where she mentioned the "YCDTOT LIVE!" show. I saw that once in Duluth, one summer when I was staying with my Aunt's Mother. All the cast members were there, telling jokes, getting slimed and making us feel good. Well, the cast actually only appeared on a video screen intro...The on-stage live cast was a bunch of random awesome in those...Have you seen "Sesame Street Live"? There are performers in giant costumes that look like Ernie, Bert and Elmo. That's what this was. A performer in a giant Moose suit, a giant Vanessa suit, a spectacular Kubusheskie and a diminutive and motherfu**in' delightful Dougie. What a show. I wish I could have seen that again. The theme was "The Missing Dougie Mystery!" Superb.
So, what else can I say? As a writer on movies and other assorted bits of the world's entertainment paraphernalia, I am shocked and disappointed that YCDDDOT let me down the way it did. What if you had tuned into a Holiday Special from your childhood and discovered that what you thought it was wasn't actually what it was...you'd be pissed as I am.
Well, Mr. Skull knows that I'm not happy with this. He can feel my disdain.
He even tried getting me the You Can't Do That On Television Atari 2600 game...yes, it's fun. Yes, you get to slime the Camp Counselor as much as you want. Yes, Elisabeth gives you a peck on the check if you win. But...it's too little, too late. And, anyways, I can't transfer Atari 2600 cartridges to Blu-Ray. I'd fear there might be an interlacing issue, especially as these cartridges were originally constructed at sea level and I'm not sure I can jury-rig anything else up.
Look...I'll tell you the secret to my Beta to Blu-Ray transfers...All you need is a Blu-Ray Transfer machine that you can buy almost anywhere and remember that SD to HD, even HDSD, needs to have the current travel from South to North. So, I have the Beta in the crawlspace and the wires go up through the back room to the roof where my Blu-Ray player receives the signal and my converting is accomplished.
It's as easy as that. Now...to get the HDSD out of SD or, indeed, HD, you need to convert the Blu-Ray to VHS before the Beta/Blu-Ray transfer. Easy peasy.
YCDTOT! I love you so much...Sometimes I feel like I'm the only True Fan out there...so you can see how, on Halloween, my disappointment could run so high. I just wanted you to enjoy what I enjoy...And feel what I feel...and if you can do that on a series of Primo HDSD Beta-Blu-Ray copies, so much the better.
I know this is "The Internet", though, so folks will complain. That's the kind of junk people do...so...
In the end...Go To Hell and have a Happy Halloween.
Oh, when you get to Hell, bend Satan over and give him a Kubusheskie...hard!
What? the...
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