BEAKS THE MOVIE (1987)
aka BIRDS OF PREY Directed by Rene Cardona, Jr.
I.V.E. Home Entertainment VHS
THE FILM
I really enjoyed Beaks The Movie for the same reasons I really enjoy Cracked Magazine, circa 1975-1985. And, it has nothing to do with The Fonz. (No more than anything else has anything to do with The Fonz.)
In Beaks, birds all over the world go mad and begin killing people. A roving reporter (Michelle Johnson) and her roving cameraman friend (Chris Atkins) follow the trail. They seem to work for some sort of local Spanish station but end up flying all over the place on a series of vague leads and odd reports. Assorted groups of characters appear, get chased around by birds and then vanish for long periods of time. A man who looks exactly like Post-Modern author John Barth gets his eye ripped out.* There is a show-stopping attack at a children’s party. There is an attack on a train full of evacuees. The credits rolled as I stepped towards the kitchen real quick to get some more Cool Ranch Doritos. I thought I had missed the big ending. No. It just ends.
A low-budget, suspense-free rip-off (or homage?) of The Birds, directed by one of the exploitation masters -- Mr. Rene Cardona, Jr. The reason behind such a film? Sheer entertainment. Does it succeed? Hell, yeah. It’s better than Ratman and Zombie 3, if you need a guidepost of some kind. It is pure unadulterated goofball movement from scene to scene and event to event. Any glue that might hold characters or stories together is non-existent. It’s a conglomerate of bird attacks with some other crowd-pleasing bits thrown in. And, it’s all the better for it.
Now, what was that about Cracked earlier? Well, sit down for a moment and I’ll explain myself. The reasons why I liked Cracked (and still do) is the blatant way they pandered completely to their pre-teen and teen-boy audience. Oh sure, other folks read it but during the late 70’s and first half of the 80’s the whole thing was skewed perfectly. They didn’t do a lot of political stuff. They didn’t do a lot of movie parodies unless the film was Jaws or Star Wars. Mad would cover it all, but Cracked stuck with pop culture’s brightest stars at that moment.
Case in point: The Fonz. The Fonz appears on the cover of one issue of Mad. And they’ve drawn Groucho Marx glasses, nose and mustache on him. The cover caption says that they refuse to capitalize on big stars the way other magazines do. Behind the picture are various "Ayyyy’s!" and "Sit on It’s!" What they were referring to was the fact that from 1976-1978 The Fonz (or The Fonze as they misspell him on one issue) appears on around 6 covers. Why? To sell the magazine. They team him up with Laverne & Shirley, Close Encounters, Rocky and he even is seen at the beach with Darth Vader. Anything to sell the magazine. There was even a "Fonz for President! Collector’s Edition". Once Star Wars and Mork and Gary Coleman hit, the Fonz faded. Kids found other things they liked and Cracked always knew exactly what their audience wanted.
(Cracked used to specialize in the team-up. "If Gary Coleman Were On Other Shows" is a standard example. They loved to combine Hit Movies and TV shows. My favorite? Mr. Smith Meets Knight Rider** You pinpoint the audience and shoot right for it. Shameless? Oh sure. Fun? Oh yes. Funny? Well, not always.)
What I’m trying to say is that Rene Cardona Jr. (and his father) hit audiences the way Cracked did. You want a movie about killer birds, you want 80s gore, you want some skin. They know you do and they know that you don’t want to sit around and wait for it. Beaks is a perfect case-in-point. Tune in and enjoy.
The second time I watched Beaks I had a pile of Crackeds in front of me. Try it. It improves one’s quality of life immeasurably.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Just fine. The VHS I watched was in decent shape. There was the occasional roll in the picture but it just reminded me of my own mortality.
EXTRAS
Nothing.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Rene Cardona strikes like the cobra. But, it’s good poison, so having someone suck it out is done at your discretion.
* In fact, I'd say he was John Barth's twin. Except for the fact that Mr. Barth has a twin sister. Maybe his Mom had triplets and sent one to Spain as part of some kind of experiment. Read Lost In The Funhouse & Chimera.
**Mr. Smith was an orangutan who was really smart and went to Washington D.C. where he entered a career in politics. The show was live-action and ran for 13 episodes back in 1983. I remember watching it quite clearly and Cracked used the character in a parody and put a picture of him on the cover (not a drawing). Yet, it was apparently one of NBC’s lowest-rated shows ever. Hmmm...History has provided the answers here.
— Dan Budnik, 01.25.07 | 
Cracked Lens try-outs
Sweet pecks
I survived BEAKS THE MOVIE
Da Beaks
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