THE
BEING (1983)
Directed By Jackie Kong
Thorn/EMI Home Video VHS
Reviewed 05.06.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
I'm looking for answers, but I can't
seem to find any. How hard can it
be to misfire on a rubber mutant
gore film, especially during the
early 80s? Piece of cake, apparently.
In the radioactive mutant sweepstakes,
The Being unfortunately
holds a bum ticket. Falling below
the shoddy Slithis
and not even competing with the
top notch Biohazard,
what started out as a promising,
plotless mess-terpiece quickly devolved
into a stuttering, plotless snore.
Jackie Kong (Blood
Diner) makes her directing
debut, pulling in husband Bill Osco
(Flesh Gordon) for lead
actor duties under the righteous
pseudonym Rexx Coltrane. Marvelous.
So what does that mean to you? Well,
thanks to Mr. Rexx, you'll receive
a healthy dose of awful acting hilarity.
It’ll come in handy during
those moments when The Being isn't
onscreen; like three fourths of
the movie. Let's get stoopid.
There's a storm a brewin' in Pottsville,
Idaho, the "most sophisticated
dump site in the country."
Radioactive dump site, that is.
A narrator even tells us so. As
a result of the Easter morning thunder
storm, a jiggly-eyed mutant covered
in He-Man slime begins dismembering
the population. There are no explanations
(radiation?) and the plot tangents
rarely make sense, so just ride
with it: The Being seems to be obsessed
with killing people in cars. There’s
a drive-in movie-within-a-movie,
which features The Being attacking
a nude woman onscreen, then attacking
a love-making couple in a car. Martin
Landau, playing a shady scientist,
and Ruth Buzzi, as a puritanical
housewife, show up for a few minutes
and die. A woman frantically searches
for her missing son. There’s
a black and white dream sequence.
An incredibly long, nonsensical
battle (what’s with the pulley
lift?!) between The Being and Rexx
caps things off, complete with a
perfect “Auuuargh! Yer goin’
down!” from our hero...just
after he steps on a nail. In the
words of the curiously-dubbed Mr.
Coltrane, “There’s something
fishy going on around here.”
Zing!
Since most of this film tends to
focus on events that don’t
really matter (Rexx talking to himself,
a town parade, racist cop antics),
things get irksome fast. The tedious
stretches aren't helped by the overly
dark photography; even as The Being
raised hell, it was hard to tell
what was happening. On top of that,
the soundtrack mindlessly mixes
Atari synths with outtakes from
Wonder Woman, then disappears
for awhile. No music, lots of panting.
Thank goodness for Rexx though;
his unbelievable deadpan and blank
stares provided enough laughs to
slightly redeem this derailed turd.
Just slightly.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Awful. As if the already dark print
wasn’t enough, the tape seems
to have been watched so much that
edges double at times. I developed
a headache after the first twenty
minutes, no lie. The tape itself
had a giant neon orange “Be
Kind, Please Rewind” sticker
on it. I was tired, so I didn't.
EXTRAS
Info overload. In addition to quickie
clips from a dozen Thorn/EMI non-horror
titles after the feature, we get
a slow crawl list of every title
the company distributed on video.
Light AOR disco fills the room and
grided computer graphics seethe
the eyes.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I tried. Believe me, I tried. Unfortunately,
The Being’s fun kickoff
quickly melted into a gunky mess
of zero brains and even less charm.
Mostly a bore, rarely a treat, which
means you should not be on the lookout. |
Martin, Rexx, and Ruth
I'd rather be on The Lost Saucer
Aw, you shouldn't have
Too awesome
|
