BLOOD TRACKS (1985)
Directed by Mats Helge (as Mike Jackson)
Vista Home Video VHS
Reviewed 12.08.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
If it was 1985 and you were in a band called Easy Action, what would it take to change your name to Solid Gold? Easy Action is a wink-wink to the groupies, informing them that you and your bandmates are both available and willing. On the other hand, Solid Gold relates to the general public for certain that, "we write the hits." Fame or fornication? A tough question. This is one of the many philosophical conundrums that arise in Blood Tracks. Welcome to Sweden.

A lower class wife stabs her husband in the back. It appears that he was drunk and wanted a candy bar. Gathering her six (eight? twenty?) children, the woman hops a train and never looks back. Twenty years later. The rock band Solid Gold (Easy Action in real life -- see what I mean?) is filming a new video on a mountaintop in the dead of winter. The video kicks off with an effective all-band roll down a hill. Fascinating. The girls are almost naked. The microphones are not plugged in. Regardless, lyrics like "Blood tracks! You're in the danger zone!" provide enough venomous rock and roll to awaken an AVALANCHE! Believe it. Trapped in a little cabin, the band, their management, and the groupies are forced to have sex, communicate on walkie-talkies, and die in loads of ever-escalating gore. The killer? I thought you'd never ask. Our prologue family, now reduced to deformed, cannibalistic savages, are holed up in an abandoned factory; the very same place that Solid Gold's manager picked for the video shoot! Led by a Will Ferrell lookalike older brother, the family seizes this opportunity to exorcise their animosity towards mankind. Right or wrong, that's life. There's no looking back. Or is there?

The 80 minute, Swedish produced Blood Tracks will make you happy. Only bettered by the noble social commentary (remember: "There's enough bullets in here to kill off an army!"), the hilarious technical shanks are almost too good to be true. There are no character names; even the credits list only the actors' themselves. The entire film is post-dubbed by a cast of z-rate, UK-accent swapping, cartoon rejects. Nobody wanted to be there. Lazer Tag synths hum endlessly. The pace moves like greased lightning, but really, nothing much happens. Except for the booby-trap gore. When a band member tells his mutt-faced lover, "You've got the boobs," it's time for another avalanche. This time, the recipient is your heart. Open your arms up wide.

Twenty years later, the members of Easy Action are most likely scattered across the earth. Did their name-changing lack of self respect work wonders? Or were the members forever relegated to "frequent wailing patron" status at the local Guitar Center? The world may never know.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
This ex-rental has been around the block. The print itself is on the darker side, a pan and scan joke with the most amazingly stretched credits ever seen. At least next to Night Of A Thousand Cats. One thing's for sure: this hi-fi VHS tape is in ear-humping stereo! Thank you very much, Vista.

EXTRAS
Vista's logo should have been preserved on the back of an Ocean Pacific t-shirt. It's even more apparent after the montage repeats itself at the end of the film.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Blood Tracks is nothing but a good time. It's an old-fashioned 80s gore movie with rocks for brains and the boots to match. More Solid Gold footage would've been nice, but every hard rock slasher can't be expected to shred like Rocktober Blood, now can it?

Definitely Easy Action


Definitely Solid Gold


Blood tracks!


Get some sleep