BOARDING
HOUSE (1982)
Directed by John Wintergate
Paragon VHS
Reviewed 11.18.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Have you ever heard this one?
“This movie was so dirty that
I felt like taking a shower afterwards!”
I’m sure you have. This phrase
creeps up from time to time and
I like it. However, not once have
I ever had the inkling to use it;
either in my mind or when writing
about a film. Until now.
It’s slimy, it’s shot
on video, and it’s hysterical.
Careening out of the sweat-soaked
excesses of the early 80s, Boarding
House makes a distinct argument
for the exploration of gritty old
VHS tapes. A total obscurity, there’s
just no way something this left-of-center
will ever show up on DVD. Thank
goodness those four tape heads are
still trucking. This “film”
obviously existed to entice and
titillate the home video pilgrims
of the early 80s: namely, it piles
on the gore and boobage. On the
other hand, I’m having a very
hard time trying to remember a film
that reached the heights of lunacy
that Boarding House so
expertly displays. Wash those leopard
skin thongs (please), sharpen up
your pie-fighting skills, and rev
up the jacuzzi. You’ll spit
out your drink, I swear.
Ok, preceding the film there’s
a disclaimer regarding “Horror
Vision.” HV is your pal. It’ll
tell you when the violence is coming
-- just watch for the black glove
with a neon swirl pattern behind
it, combined with a nice Mattel
synth blurp. Now we can begin. During
the literal Commodore 64/128 opening
credits, a girl screams orgasmically.
Not sure why. We’re then treated
to a negative image of a guy sitting
in a computer lab. Backstory time!
Read the scrolling green computer
text and find out that there’s
a house in LA with a history of
tragedy-stricken occupants. The
newest owner is Jim, who just inherited
the house from a deceased uncle.
Let me tell you a little something
about Jim, played by director-writer-star
John Wintergate (never had another
credit!). He drives around in a
tan Camaro, practices telekinesis
while dressed in various thongs,
and looks like a weasle-y used car
salesman. With the greatest “shoulda
been a cheap porno” scheme
of all time, Jim decides to put
an ad in the paper (told to us through
reverb voice over) and rent out
rooms in the house to “beautiful
women with no ties.” Cut to:
ten or so 80s honeys, arriving at
the house and firing up the bathrobes
‘n’ bikinis. A strange
girl with an incredibly awful fake
british accent shows up. A girl
named Victoria tries out some telekinesis
and has bad dreams. From there,
it’s slasher-type killings,
lotsa sex-jinks, and tons of really
bad editing. None of which can be
considered normal.
Forget about the technical stuff.
Boarding House was shot
on video, with little to no thought
put towards any kind of cohesiveness.
Here’s where the real netherworld
meat and potatoes lie: A girl shaves
her legs in a nasty little shower,
gets her head turned into an old
man mask with a dead mouse in the
mouth. A guy gets electrocuted and
we’re shown the effects by
a shining pen-light in his mouth.
A five second flashback rape scene
involves two pairs of pants, both
of ‘em on. A pie fight erupts
for no reason. The dime store gore
effects are perpetrated by a purple
Radio Shack video-effect blob. A
band called “33 1/3”
rock all the hott ones by the poolside.
A refrigerator attacks a girl with
yogurt. And that’s just a
taste...wait’ll the end comes
around.
Geez Louise, I need to break out
the Lysol disinfectant.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Looks absolutely sweet. Trust me.
EXTRAS
Choke! Fifteen minutes of Paragon
trailers, including Boarding
House, Just
Before Dawn, Funeral
Home, etc.?! I shed a tear.
FINAL THOUGHTS
My eyes did not budge from the screen.
Not for a second. I can’t
say I actually “liked”
Boarding House, but dear
god...how can something this insane
even exist? It’s hard to even
describe. Severe gutter trash/bizarro
film aficionados: make it happen.
You will not be disappointed. |
"Move...MOVE!!"
Blowin' off steam
Bears...Bulls...Bears
Right outta the shirt!
|
