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CURTAINS (1983)
Directed by "John Stryker"/Richard
Ciupka/???
Vestron Video VHS
Reviewed 03.09.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Curtains woke up earlier
than usual this morning and promptly
put its pants on backwards. Shrugging
it off, the film then poured orange
juice on cereal instead of milk.
Upon leaving its quaint Toronto
apartment for work, Curtains
realized it was wearing nothing
but black dress socks. The poor
sap just can't get it right.
There's nothing like a serious slasher
that's stuck in an eternal pair
of Bozo shoes. You can root with
the shits 'n' giggles for a full
90 minutes, but in the end, it's
all for naught. Plagued with production
problems (no actual director being
the most obvious), Curtains
is an unbelievable botch with a
lot of potential. Unfortunately,
potential doesn't buy poppa a new
pair of shoes. The attractive fragrance
whiffed in by earlier Canadian produced
slashers like Happy Birthday
To Me and My Bloody Valentine
has been replaced with a fusty odor.
Hence, the Bozo shoes are in dire
need of medical attention. Dr. Scholls,
where are you now?
Big shot Hollywood director Jon
Stryker (John Vernon) is planning
a big shot Hollywood movie called
Audra. The leading lady,
Samantha Sherwood (Samantha Eggars),
decides to fake insanity in order
to study for the part. After seeing
what it's really like in
an asylum (lots of tickling, stolen
puzzle pieces), Miss Samantha is
ready for her dream role, "dahlings."
Mr Strykeforce sez "Relax,
save it for the film" and promptly
abandons Samantha, leaving her to
rot in the nuthouse. He then summons
six lookalike "actresses"
to his wintery abode for some Audra
try-outs and casting couch rumpling.
So who's the shithead in the old
hag mask, knocking off the cast
in the most padded-out, digression-filled
kill scenes imaginable? And how
many times are they going to pull
the ol' "is-this-scene-real-or-isn't-it"
poop? Enough already.
Curtains may not sound
that messy, but boy, wait'll you
sit through it. Watch as an amazingly
strange killer get-up and terrific
icy locales get the shaft: A spooky
doll is introduced and pops up in
the damnedest of places, then promptly
disappears. Thick padding (ice skating,
ballerina moves) joins a group of
nameless, bitchy characters as they
argue and say things like "You...BASTARD."
Several ridiculous plot occurrences
ski through without explanation.
Curtains is pretty much
a listless soap opera with half
a script and fifteen cooks in the
kitchen. Burn the ending. Ban the
stand-up comic. Oh well. At least
there was a toilet with a bloody
head inside.
Somewhere out there, Curtains
continues to stumble under ladders
and break mirrors. The shoes still
fit.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
There's a lot of tape wear here,
but the print is clean and dandy.
Nice blacks, little damage, and
lots of gray photography.
EXTRAS
No, but I didn't want them anyway.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Curtains is a well intentioned,
serious slasher that trips several
times before splitting its jaw on
the concrete. Aside from a few moments
of frightening imagery, this film
is a wet snot. Rent with caution. |
Tickle headquarters
Loves you and leaves you
Prunes 'n' scythes
Bingo
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