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DEATH NURSE (1987)
Directed by Nick Millard aka Nick
Philips
Chop-Em-Ups Video VHS
Reviewed 04.05.07
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Was this video meant to be watched
by people?
A surgeon wears a dish rag over
his face. Rubber bands hold it in
place. He wipes red finger paint
on a hairy chest. Then, our man
digs a hole outside, enters a house,
fixes himself a bowl of ice cream,
and walks upstairs. His name is
Gordon. Gordon has a sister named
Crazy Fat Edith. They chase a cat
around a table. Repeatedly.
I'm feeling intrusive. Nick Millard
IS BACK.
Death Nurse has nothing
to do with Edith Bunker, RN, but
everything to do with Edith Mortley,
RN. Therefore, social uppercuts
and fuzzy feelings are absent, but
"real life" dingbats (and
matching imbalances) are in full
supply. Nick Millard's Criminally
Insane aka Crazy Fat
Ethel is a 1975 trash masterpiece
with delectable bad taste. Nick
thought so, too. The frazzled director
literally recycled Ms. Ethel (Priscilla
Alden) on three separate occasions
in the late 1980s. The 58 minute,
shot on video (SOV) Death Nurse
is gash number two. Unlike the lethal
Criminally Insane II aka
Crazy Fat Ethel II (also
SOV), Death Nurse does
not feature 35 minutes of footage
from Criminally Insane.
Just 15. But the house, cast, opening
credits, music, camcorder, and even
a few scenes remain the same. Hello,
nurse!
Nurse Edith and her brother Gordon
live in a house which doubles as
The Shady Palms Clinic. I'm not
exactly sure what they do there.
Sometimes, Edith sits upon, stabs,
or strangles patients to collect
insurance money from the state.
Gordon washes a corpse with a rubber
hose. An old woman says "HHYYELLO"
when answering the phone and Gordon
pretends to cough while spying over
a bannister. There's a lot of runny
blood, the most disturbing almost-nudity
ever, a few rats, and creative uses
of the word "bitch". Edith
and Gordon sit on a couch and stare
at the floor. The End.
Love those zooms. Death Nurse
may or may not have been meant for
public consumption, but one thing's
for sure: it's alarmingly bizarre.
Sulking somewhere between David
"The Rock" Nelson's
editing deck and, well, Criminally
Insane, the ugly, claustrophobic
film messes itself with a steady
stream of hilarity, unease, and
people grunting off-camera. The
sheer irregularity of it all insures
that boredom, while always on the
horizon, never fully percolates.
Hence, if Criminally Insane
II was impossibly challenging,
Death Nurse is simply undemanding.
Interpret that as you will.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Death Nurse has loose spools!
Call Crazy Fat Edith! As a complement
to the floppy EP speed cassette
spools, the film features eye-melting
contrast, frequent drop-outs, and
a wall of hiss. It looks to have
been edited through a VCR six or
seven times. This is not a bootleg.
These are all compliments.
EXTRAS
The tape itself sports a xeroxed,
scotch-taped label which features
an image from Criminally Insane
and the words "DEATH NURSE".
Poetry in motion.
FINAL THOUGHTS
For Millard's eyes only? That depends
on you. The reasoning behind Death
Nurse's existence may be a
mystery, but that doesn't diminish
the film's stunning savvy in the
field of SOV subnormalcy. This is
rock bottom. I'm right there on
the floor. Did I mention there's
a Death Nurse II? Chop-Em-Ups!
Thanks to Eric Robitaille for
providing a copy of this film! |
Those were the days
I smell ice cream
HHYYELLO.
S.O.S.
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