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DEATH SPA (1988)
aka WITCH BITCH
Directed by Michael Fischa
MPI Home Video VHS
Reviewed 01.12.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
I've had it. If anyone around here
so much as whispers the words "diving
board incident" again, leg
warmers are gonna roll. And I mean
that literally. So does Death
Spa.
How petty! Death Spa is
Killer
Workout with more gore
and less laughs. Then again, it's
not. Sure, other 80s trashers indulge
in prominent workout activity (Pieces
and Rocktober
Blood, just to name two),
but Death Spa and Killer
Workout are the only two that
take place exclusively in a health
club setting. Competition is fierce.
The confusing Death Spa
relies on too many dorky Elm
Street novelties and misplaced
plot threads, as opposed to Killer
Workout's jiggle-kill-jiggle
simplicity. In the end, it’s
just too much work. But that doesn't
mean we can't enjoy a few upside
down hi-fives and exploding heads
on the way down.
Michael owns the Star Body Health
Spa. It's a very technological place;
as Michael says, "The computer
runs the spa." Years earlier,
Mike's wife died in a wheelchair
bound inferno. Today, the spa is
plagued by an unseen (or seen?)
force, silently killing off patrons
in the most irrational ways possible.
A guy's face falls off while making
out with a girl. Another guy gets
ripped apart by a workout machine.
A girl FUCKING BLOWS UP while staring
at a mirror. Questions arise. Why
was Michael's new girlfriend burned
by the steam room, now forced to
wear big bandages for the rest of
the film? The fat detective asks,
"How does a goddamn diving
board just COME LOOSE?" So
do a lot of other people, including
co-worker Ken Foree (Dawn Of
The Dead). As the "Mardi
Gras Party" finally hits, Michael
is beseiged with paranormal researchers
and an in-law with a secret. The
fires burn. A female detective proclaims,
"Aw, fuck this computer shit!"
Exactly.
Hit us with your best shot. Death
Spa sets up shop early on (weight
machines as "art," gigantic
aluminum computers) and tries really
hard to hit all the stops. There's
even a boom mic! Mixed in with bad
edits, graphic gore, and gratuitous
full frontal nudity, the film's
general push is bogged down with
confusion. A general reasoning behind
the carnage is never fully explored,
as we're left to contend with lots
of characters that look the same
and wear bermuda shorts. It doesn't
help that the midrift of the film
crawls by with a series of dull
conversations and badly timed flashbacks.
And where are the songs?! Sorry,
but instrumental guitar wanking
does not tingle the neck hairs during
sweaty workout scenes. Please see
Killer Workout's "Dust
It Off" and "Rock 'N'
Rock" for a succinct how-to.
Perhaps demanding an explanation
is too much. Maybe I'm just edgy.
See, I slid my keycard through the
electronic slot, but my electronic
locker will not open. Aw, fuck this
computer shit.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
MPI issued two versions of the film
on home video; this is the "Uncut
Unedited Version." I noticed
a few tape rolls towards the end,
but otherwise, it was smooth sailing.
The picture was nicely balanced
and the stereo sound was crisp.
The title screen was hilariously
unreadable. A cut version of the
film was released on DVD under the
title Witch Bitch by German
company Dragon Film Entertainment.
I haven't seen it.
EXTRAS
Before the film, there's a trailer
for Henry: Portrait Of A Serial
Killer, which was recently
released as an extras packed DVD
from Dark Sky Films (a subsidary
of MPI). Can Death Spa
be far behind?
FINAL THOUGHTS
It's a given that you're going to
laugh heartily throughout Death
Spa. Unfortunately, the excess
plot filler and long length keep
things from tottering over the edge.
Makes for a decent one night stand,
as long as you stay away from the
diving board...and don't mention
it again. |
Comfort in the inevitable
I'm in love
One byte stand
Madballs!
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