DRIVE-IN
MASSACRE (1977)
Directed by Stu Segall
Magnum VHS
THE FILM
“He’s what you would
call a perfect asshole!”
“Well, she’s in pretty
bad shape -- she was murdered with
a sword.”
”Let’s go get that bald-headed
garbage can!”
I know what you’re thinking
-- and no, you haven’t stumbled
upon a collection of sloppy punchlines
from a bad Vegas comic circa ‘75.
Believe it or not, the preceding
lines are let loose by the two stocky
cops featured in Drive-In Massacre.
The two coppers look like tweedle
dee/dum twins and play around with
the killer’s murder weapons
immediately after the “massacres.”
One of them also appears in drag,
in hopes of flushing the killer
out during a drive-in screening.
Yep. This was a weird one.
Endlessly incompetent, Drive-In
Massacre delivers the goods
and defies any sense of normalcy.
In a basically plotless set-up,
a California drive-in is plagued
by a series of gruesome murders
in the midst of screenings. The
drive-in is managed by Newton Naushaus,
one of the most amazing a-holes
you’ll ever come across in
a film. He spouts off insults and
complaints to every character that
graces the screen, insuring that
each scene with his presence is
a laugh riot. Due to the killings,
Newton’s drive-in experiences
a boom in business (!) and he refuses
to close shop while the four-man
police force investigate. And what
about that investigation? Is the
killer “Germy,” the
ex-carny performer and most talented
method actor EVER? Or maybe it’s
Orville, the ratty neighborhood
sex-addict? Just when you think
things are revealed, the film goes
schizo and spends twenty minutes
developing an annoying red herring
that goes nowhere. And then -- poof!
It’s over.
While it sounds pretty straight
forward, I assure you that Drive-In
Massacre was anything but.
Almost verging on originality in
its odd stupidity, the film is crudely
constructed and full of baffling
occurrences. The locales are grimy.
Stock drive-in shots hold for minutes
on end. Misplaced jump cuts displace
the happenings. The soundtrack consists
of tools banging and a lone synth
petering away at spooky tones. Actors
flub lines, pause, and begin again.
Carnival and drive-in padding runs
rampant, complete with reverbed
voice-overs. The gore ranges from
gruesome to laughable. Will the
oddness never end? Yeah, but only
during the boring parts.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
At first, I thought the film had
been transferred via shoddy screen
projection with videotaped results.
Turns out, it was just an awful
print. Dark and dirty. The mono
sound was equally bad -- muffled,
overdriven bass, and hard to decipher.
EXTRAS
Just a sweet Magnum logo montage,
complete with laser blasts and 80s
horn bursts.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Imagine a slightly less chaotic
version of Leonard Kirtman’s
artsy Carnival
Of Blood and you’ll
know where to start. Completely
mindless, but worth a watch for
the weird factor.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 06.21.04 |
I smell justice
Coat police
Something for the ladies
No stiches will suffice
|
