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ELVES (1989)
Directed by Jeff Mandel
A.I.P. Home Video VHS
Reviewed 12.22.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
We've got Nazi grampas with French
accents, hundreds of cigarettes,
the phrase "Art Deco boobs,"
a cocaine sniffing Santa, and a
skinned Alf puppet. Is
there an existentialist in the house?
As if you couldn't tell, there's
something wrong here; that's the
axis on which Elves spins
its wheels. Shot in Denver on 16
mm and released straight to video,
this film sets up hundreds of laughable
plot threads, forgets about them,
then assumes everybody read the
script beforehand, including the
audience. Now that's proactive filmmaking!
Now, digress for a moment. We're
here to laugh. And laugh we shall.
A trio of awkward women, masquerading
as teens in this movie, call themselves
"The Sisters of Anti-Christmas."
It's not clear why. Again, the facts
are not important. Kirstin, the
brains of the operation, works at
a mall. The other two make dick
jokes. When the girls inadvertently
raise a rubber Nazi elf from the
bowels of a forest, it's up to smokestack
Dan Haggerty (Mr. Grizzly Adams)
to kick some ass...and lovingly
abuse the term "goddamn"
every five seconds. Wondering about
the elf? Turns out the Nazis were
breeding elves back in the day.
At two feet high and with no facial
expressions, they would become the
"ultimate super soldiers"!
On Christmas Eve in 1989, an elf
will rise and mate with a pure virgin
to create a master race. Lookout,
Kirstin! Your Ratzi Gramps didn't
impregnate his own daughter for
nuthin'! In other news, Kirstin's
little brother describes his run-in
with the elf as, "It was a
fucking little ninja troll."
A department store Santa asks for
"oral," sniffs la coke-aratcha,
and gets his wiener sliced off with
a razor blade. By the elf. There
are also lots of guns. What, you
need more? Keep watching.
This, my friends, is Elves.
At the core, it's an incompetent
mess, a literal definition of visual
nonsense and low budget crutches.
The strange overtones (incest, Nazis,
elf-rape) give the film an ugly
slant, like it was made by people
that had a real dislike for the
world around them. Plus, it's poorly
executed, even in the realm of late
80s no budget trash: "old"
men with eyeliner wrinkles, a K-Mart
Yamaha score, dark as pitch photography,
and mumbling cast members. Everybody
seems to be having a terrible time,
caught somewhere between just waking
up and being very constipated. Despite
all the negativity, the sheer absurdness
shines through. That's where the
entertainment comes in. Nearly every
single scene in Elves is
hilarious. From the declarations
of Mr. Haggerty ("Oh shit!
You're a Nazi, aren't you?")
to the Elf's incredibly awful puppetry,
it seems that each decision the
filmmakers made was dead wrong.
That's a good thing. Otherwise,
we'd be in trouble.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
This is a rough one. Dark, very
soft, and looks to have been watched
a couple hundred times. The "Hi-Fi
Stereo" sound made it that
much easier to hear the whirring
of the camera during most indoor
scenes.
EXTRAS
Stocking: stuffed. Behold the trailer
for the godawful Alien Seed
(starring Erik Estrada as "Dr.
Stone")! Machine guns! Boobies!
Jump-suited aliens! The late 80s
were very quick-witted times.
FINAL THOUGHTS
If there are any mystical Nazi elves
reading this, be very worried. Elves
has shot your integrity to hell.
For humans, this shit-clump of hilarity
lies somewhere between Hide
And Go Shriek and Jack-O,
only set around Christmas. Watch
it once and don't look back. |
Merry Coke-mas!
Miss Gyros and Shakes
Smoke machine
Hide the virgins
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