EVIL TOWN (1987)
Directed by Edward Collins, Larry Spiegel, Peter S. Traynor, Mardi Rustam
Trans World Entertainment VHS
Reviewed 02.16.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
Four directors. Four directors. 80 minute runtime. 70 minute fast forward time. This is your first and last warning; turn around and walk away and/or grab a hammer and smash this tape to bits.

Somebody’s malfunctioning brain cells were green lighted by higher-ups that must have been too coked up to know any better. Evil Town is the grand poobah of idiotic cut-and-paste worthlessness. Essentially an older film from 1974 called “God Bless Dr. Shagetz,” just assaulted with new footage from two unfinished mid-80s films, it’s hard to believe something this incomprehensible ever received a legitimate release. Money talks though...MSRP reads $79.99 on the back cover. Guess I “lucked out” for the $2 I spent.

Location: secret abandoned hospital or smelly old house. There’s a small town in the woods (population: 666) that kidnaps campers and performs anti-ageing experiments on their “paht-too-it-tarry” glands. Why? Well, this poop-hole is entirely made up of senior citizens, looking to prolong their lives thanks to the work of our main Mad Scientist, who either had a stroke at some point or was supremely sloshed on-set. So the screentime is devoted to this guy babbling, people walking around, two imbecile rapists, and some geriatric ass-kicking, courtesy our main star, James Keach (the motorcycle cop from “Vacation” -- yes!). None of it is the least bit interesting. There’s also some unnecessary huge-boobed nudity that goes on forever. And the ending? Maybe they just ran out of extra footage to tack on.

Looking past the fact that the box art flat-out lies (zombies? blood?), Evil Town doesn’t have a single redeeming quality to its name. Nothing matches, the disco-preset score sucks, and every character is dull and repellent. The female exploitation is high and grating, even for this era. Yeah, a town full of killer seniors sounds pretty amazing, but I really didn’t care. Still need a gauge? Even Spookies must be squirming in its clamshell-cut grave.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
I couldn’t care less. You should follow my lead.

EXTRAS
Trans World teamed up with Amazing Movies and Mars Productions to deliver this diarrhea to video tape. Isn’t that enough?

FINAL THOUGHTS
This is your first and last warning. Evil Town was by far one of the worst films I’ve ever had to sit through. Ultra-rare for a reason. Don’t even consider giving it a chance.

Pappy!


Ah, c'mon Maw


Dear ol' Uncle Thespius


WHAT?! Where did she come from?