THE FOREST (1983)
Directed by Donald M. Jones
Prism VHS
Reviewed 10.06.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
The year was 1983. A keen minstrel named David Somerville sang, "People disappear, but where do they hide? In the darkside of THE FOREST. Wouldn't you get lost? You'll have to pay the cost. 'Cause many have died. In the darkside of THE FOREST." A rock god has spoken. You'd best heed his wisdom.

A direct to video slasher from '83 with its own theme song is pretty hard to beat. Luckily, director Don Jones (The Love Butcher) had the foresight to know exactly what audiences in the new millennium would be looking for within such parameters; an unconditional piece of garbage. I hate sports, but here goes nothing. He shoots, he scores.

Battle of the sexes! After an unrelated prologue kill scene, two unhappy couples argue about who's tuff enuff to survive a camping trip alone. Dudes or babes? The girls win out and agree to go on ahead. Alone. At the last minute, the guys concede to meet up at the campsite later that night ("Maybe it'll be like old times...when we were happy."). Let the fake Blondie songs begin. Let the padding begin. Most importantly, let "The Darkside Of The Forest" begin. Take care, though; lurking in a cave is our cannibal killer, armed with trucker's duds and a shiny Rambo knife. A guy unknowingly eats his own charcoaled spouse ("Hmm, not bad. Uhhh, I have a chill."). The ghosts of the killer's wife and kids spook the campers and we soon find out the insane reasoning behind our slasher's current domestic woes. So sad, so real. Even the bobcat sound effects couldn't hold back their emotions.

My favorite moments in The Forest? Well, I loved when the screen went black for about ten minutes. Excellent way to confound the audience's senses! The schizo soundtrack was highly appropriate; Bing Crosby new wave, random moog noise, and 70s AM instros are all undoubtedly terrifying. It was also a wonderful idea to keep the film virtually bloodless after the opening kill scene. You've got to give 'em what they want, you know? When the ending force fed me twice the dosage of my normal stupidity pills, the deal was sealed. Swish!

It's true. People DO disappear. You DO have to pay the cost. Especially when you're livin' in the darkside of THE FOREST. Wooooord.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
Since this ex-rental tape was covered in hot dog grease, I didn't have high hopes for the picture quality. I was right. Things were fuzzy and worn on this end of the forest.

EXTRAS
Prism, you've got my number. Two "sneak previews" preceded the feature: Bog (a compilation of clips) and Tobe Hooper's Eaten Alive (a fake trailer). I liked them both.

FINAL THOUGHTS
After the slowdive depression of The Love Butcher, Don Jones has officially redeemed himself in the eyes of trash poobahs everywhere. The Forest was incredibly dumb, sometimes boring, and sprinkled with several eccentric ticks. See it now.

En route to the forest


Brewskis in the forest


Caught in the forest


In the darkside of the forest