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FUNERAL HOME (1980)
Directed by William Fruet
Paragon Video VHS
Reviewed 11.30.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Somewhere in the third season of
What's Happening!!, Dee
let loose with one of her patented
zingers: "Rerun, you've got
so much velvet in here, you could
be an undertaker!" It was a
good joke.
Funeral Home could use
a good undertaker joke. Actually,
Funeral Home could use
a lot of things.
At the neighborhood bar, Curtains
weeps in its beer. Strange
Behavior belches, "Don't
worry, buddy. The next round is
on me." Funeral Home,
seated in a dark booth, overhears
and perks up. "Finally,"
it thinks, "I am among friends."
Slashers can't go halfway. If they
shoot for class, any sort of skimping
will most likely be amplified tenfold.
Funeral Home proves it.
Directed by William Fruet (Killer
Party) and shot in Toronto,
the plot follows young Heather as
she helps Grandma convert the family
funeral home into a bed and breakfast
for the summer. That's a good one,
huh? Gran's schizo schtick reveals
the Psycho twist ending
a full 80 minutes before it actually
hits. Heather walks around the house
a lot. A retarded handyman fails
miserably as a red herring, but
evokes the spirit of Bobcat Goldthwait
quite well. Also, a cop steps in
a pile of shit. It was almost a
good joke.
While Funeral Home offers
several instances of subtle creeps
and makes excellent use of its rickety,
small town scenery, the steamroller
of dull events, bated acting, and
careless plot holes cannot be stopped.
As a result, we have a PG-rated
mystery-slasher that's nice to look
at, but lacks any type of personality.
You can't meet it halfway. And tell
me, what kind of 1980s teen would
choose to refurbish old furniture
over having sex? Dee has a word
for guys like that. Fool!
AUDIO AND VIDEO
What happened, Paragon? You're usually
on top of it. Dark, ghostly, and
muddy, Funeral Home doesn't
look so hot. That didn't stop Mill
Creek from adding an even worse
transfer of this tape to their "Chilling
Classics" DVD 50 pack, though.
EXTRAS
Sleep easy tonight. 15 minutes of
coveted Paragon trailer trash runs
before the feature.
FINAL THOUGHTS
"This is a very small town
and a lot of very bored people live
here." Thanks, Sheriff. I appreciate
the honesty. Funeral Home
does too. |
Summer games
He's only sleeping
Hi to Heather
So long, Pops
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