GHOST
STORIES: GRAVEYARD THRILLER (1986)
Directed By Lynn Silver
Vestron Video VHS
THE FILM
Seriously. What in the Geezus H.
Christ HELL was Vestron thinking?
Anthology films always follow a
strict template. Host/introduction,
story, repeat, repeat, repeat, fin.
It’s pretty difficult to screw
that up, even if you’re David
L. Hewitt. Well, thanks to mastermind
Lynn Silver (who would go on to
do...nothing), '86 was graced with
Ghost Stories: Graveyard Thriller,
a shot on video (SOV) anthology
film that forgets to anthologize.
Instead of a host introducing five
segments, we have a host that introduces
four people who ACT OUT THE STORIES
ON THEIR OWN. Rather than providing
viewers with the stimulation of
an actual production, this film
features creative “story telling”
courtesy sub-junior high drama club
enthusiasts. Genius! Maximum entertainment
for home viewing audiences! They
mug to the camera as if Guffman
was in the audience. They dodge
the fog machine haze with much hardship.
They relay stories that weren't
up to snuff for Friday The 13th:
The Series. They stare at an
occasional prop. What have I done
to deserve this?
The camera swoops out on a stuffed
owl as a Hallmark Halloween soundtrack
bumps. Welcome to the Tuesday Hill
Boneyard. Our host is clad in a
white southern suit. After talking
for a few minutes, he introduces
our first speaker. I kept waiting
for a cheap dissolve, segueing into
the actual movie...waiting...still
talking...the story makes no sense...the
guy walks around a little...still
talking...fast forward...think about
eating ice cream later...fast forward...host
returns. At that point, I figured
it out. Ghost Stories would
be 60 minutes of concentrated torture.
And it was. The videography was
point and shoot, ocasionally backing
up to follow an actor as they gave
it their all. The host tells a werewolf
yarn. A zombie shows up at the end.
I ejected the tape and placed it
back in its box. Moving very slowly,
I placed the box behind the refrigerator.
If I try hard enough, it might make
itself disappear.
I can sympathize with anyone trying
to fulfill their dreams; I'm sure
the creative minds behind Ghost
Stories had nothing but the
best of intentions. Still, the rationale
behind this SOV obscurity truly
boggles the mind. What kind of audience
were they aiming for? In 1986, did
people look to escape the confines
of everyday life by watching a camcorder
tape of adults with basement Shakspeare
chops pining away? Hilarious, disturbing,
and all together depressing.
The back of the box says: "Keep
repeating, it's only a VIDEO...it's
only a VIDEO...it's only a VIDEO..."
But it's not only a video. It's
a lobotomizer.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Do you actually care if I write
anything here? Good, I was worried
for a minute.
EXTRAS
Further proof that the Vestron brass
were mainlining crack whilst in
the throes of contract negotiations
for this package. Not only did they
release this tape, but they flashed
a logo montage twice. TWICE!
FINAL THOUGHTS
Hands down, the most excrutiating
trash video experience I've ever
had; please don't ever watch this.
If you’re in an old video
store and spot a copy of Ghost
Stories: Graveyard Thriller
on the shelf, please destroy it
as quickly as possible. We all have
to do our part.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 08.25.05 |
Somebody
Please
Shoot
Me
|
