GOREMET
ZOMBIE CHEF FROM HELL (1986)
Directed by Don Swan
Camp Video VHS
Reviewed 12.06.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
In a haze of cigar smoke and poker
chips, a couple of friends put their
noggins together and said, “Hey,
I really like those bloody killer
movies. You know what? I really
like Dungeons and Dragons too. What
if we cleaned up that old Super
8 camera and made our own movie
-- it would be like a funny version
of Dungeons and Dragons...only if
it was happening for real! Yeah,
yeah, and with titties!”
And so Goremet Zombie Chef From
Hell was conceived. Like 1982’s
Boarding
House, here lies a perfect
example of cinema so downright ridiculous
that it could’ve only been
birthed in the 80s. Goremet
feels like some paltry in-joke;
repellently boring to most any normal
person you can find, but filled
with enough hysterical ticks to
keep your trashy attention span
secured. Oddness picks up the slack,
but things get downright grating
with the intentional comedy. Is
that a rubber gore foot or a hot
dog?!
The year is 1386. The Ancient Order,
a group of thirty-something wizard
dorks, condemns a guy named Gosa
(easy to remember, as he’s
the only character with a name)
to an eternal life of eating flesh.
Cut to: 1986 and Gosa’s stare-at-the-camera
monologue. Big G has opened a sleazy
shack called “Gosa’s
Deli & Beach Club.” Haw
haw! It’s really a front for
that ol’ curse. Namely, chopping
up bods and eating them. That’s
the basic set-up. For the first
forty minutes, some really odd looking
people get exchanged for laughable
trick shop gore, all to the back
drop of endlessly repeating ELO
rip off tunes that absolutely rule.
Gosa has a slicked back combover
and partakes of an extended dance
sequence with some topless babes.
More padding involves bizarre small
talk, an awful musical number by
guys in jogging shorts, and gratuitous
cocktail mixing. Gosa talks to the
camera again and says “Don’t
chastise me!” Then they switch
it up. The Ancient Order returns,
wanting to put a stop to Gosa’s
evil ways...I guess? There’s
a lot of talk about high priests,
magical powers, and some ancient
book. Gosa has a showdown with one
of the main guys in a park, utilizing
invisible force field powers to
reckon with this hooded-sweatshirt
fool. This benchmark sequence in
stupidity MUST BE SEEN TO BE BELIEVED.
Soon after, Gosa begins to rot away
from malnurishment, which leads
to a final showdown with a nerdy,
permed high priestess. All this
in only 65 minutes.
I know that all sounds stupendous,
but trust me, something’s
just not completely working here.
It might be due to the horrible
technique on display, as static
shots for minutes on end aren’t
exactly inviting, that’s for
sure. Most likely, Goremet
is just a completely mindless film
that can’t figure out what’s
what. Totally amateurish (duh) and
lacking that lining of bad film
gold. But I did laugh a lot...especially
when that cop had his mannequin
block knocked off. Sucker!
AUDIO AND VIDEO
This behemoth was shot on Super
8 and transferred to video for editing,
way back in 1985/86. Doesn’t
look so hot...similar to a first
generation copy, fuzzy and full
of grain. The mono sound only appeared
in my left speaker. Lots of video
blips too.
EXTRAS
Logo montage sez: “Camp Video
-- Your ticket to the future!”
Truer words were never spoken.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Mostly annoying, but meriting a
few laughs, Goremet Zombie Chef
From Hell might be worth a
look for the rareness/weirdness
aspect. On the other hand, a track-down
certainly shouldn’t be a high
priority. |
Gosa speaks
Invisi-fight
Me like
O, the humanity
|
