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THE HACKERS (1988)
Directed by John Duncan
Camelot Studios VHS
Reviewed 06.01.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
While perusing the Yellow Pages
for roof repairs, the name "A.J.
Hacker & Sons" might stand
out. Or it might not. Prepare for
the wishy-wash.
Put away the reference books. Filmed
in Croswell and Lexington Michigan
in 1987, The Hackers is
the rarest 1980s shot on video (SOV)
horror film that I've ever come
across. It was never distributed
outside of the Midwest, so that's
not such a whammy. On the other
hand, literally no mention of the
film can be found anywhere. The
enticement peaks. And that's where
it stays. The Hackers lacks
the expected SOV insanity found
in Splatter:
Architects In Fear, the
too-good-to-be-true morons of Blood
Lake, and the hilarious
gore of Sledgehammer.
Simply put, it's a typical, no budget
late 80s horror film that just happens
to be SOV. One of the killers DOES
piss his pants, though. Enticement:
peaked again.
A.J. Hacker & Sons have a good
thing going. A.J. (old, bitchy)
and his two sons (one in a tinfoil
mask, one with no neck) live in
a grayscale camouflage truck, fix
things for rural suburbanites, and
randomly kill people. Handymen with
a passion! A woman housesits for
a friend. Her hair has a mind of
its own and she likes to jog. When
A.J. and company arrive at the gaudy
digs, the lady says "You're
really startin' to tee me off!"
The boys eventually get around to
stalking Ms. Static Cling '87, but
not before fruitless scenes of fishing,
pub crawling, and father-son bonding
grind us down. Yes, the "Was
it a dream?" ending is put
to terrible use. Where's The
Last Slumber Party when
you need it?
The Hackers properly utilizes
sensational Midwestern accents,
a tone deaf soundtrack (think Cyndi
Lauper jamming with Iggy Pop in
a KMart parking lot), and a jelly-belly
cop reading lines from his desk.
If you're feeling underwhelmed,
that's only natural. Despite the
aforementioned laundry list and
an eye for decent photography, the
slightly snarky film is never outrageous
enough to make an impact. The lengthy
stretches of literal nothingness
(backs to cameras, mumbled dialogue)
do nothing to help. Still, it's
clear that director John Duncan
and family were sincere in their
attempts at producing an amateur
backwoods gore-slasher. They did
an admirable job, but unfortunately,
something's gone missing.
When A.J. Hacker spits, "Sons
of bitches, we always collect on
what we got comin'!", you know
he means it. Too bad that fact is
debatable.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
This is off-the-shelf SOV at its
brightest; overly contrasted and
tracked to kill. The audio was covered
with muffles, but I'm not sure how
much that mattered.
EXTRAS
Camelot Studios is the company.
A medieval sword is their game.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Naturally, any true 1980s SOV freak
will have to see The Hackers,
if only for curiosity's sake. Should
you happen to find a copy (good
luck), don't let me hold you back.
This is no messterpiece, but it's
more enjoyable to sit through than
Cannibal Campout. Score
a half-point for Michigan.
Thanks to Eric Robitaille for
providing a copy of this film! |
I'm gonna explode
Send help
A.J. Hacker
Tears for the gardener
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