HAUNTEDWEEN (1991) Directed by Doug Robertson
Consumer Video Distributors VHS
THE FILM
By 1991, the band Survivor were clearly passé. This includes all related merchandise, such as t-shirts. Strike one.
Odd, exposed breasts belonging to a very "healthy" white trash vixen are no person's idea of pleasure. Strike two.
A snuff haunted house on Halloween night couples perfectly with an inbred Don Knotts impersonator. No strike on that one. Congrats, Hauntedween. You've pulled yourself together.
Don't love it for the title alone; love it for the purity! Hauntedween boldly positions its greatest assets -- the people and the comedy -- at the forefront. Consequences be damned. Absent social skills? Infinitely repetitive dialogue? Inhuman reactions to everyday situations? It all spells pride. Pride in who you are. Pride in what you do. Shot on video (SOV) in and around Bowling Green, Kentucky, then filtered to film for home video release (ala The Night Brings Charlie), the extremely rare Hauntedween marks the last call for sincerity in vintage, homemade slashers. If you don't care for the Danzig-meets-Morrissey theme song, there's always the "Foot Locker SLAM FEST!" t-shirt. When pride is on the menu, no one goes hungry.
First ten minutes: Halloween night, 1970. Whispy mullets. All-over animal print sweaters. Tight-rolled jeans. Little Eddie Burber isn't old enough to work in his family's spookhouse. Instead, he lures a young girl to a secret spot within the walls, impales her on a spike, then decapitates her. Momma says, "We got to go, Eddie!" Run, Eddie, run.
Next fifty minutes: Twenty years later (always a favorite). Beer bongs. Hawaiian swim trunks. Rejected Jackie Mason routines. The Sigma Pi frat is in dire need of funds to renew their charter. Head honcho Kurt may be losing his girlfriend, Mel. Solutions: Sunbathe. Throw a fundraiser party. Throw another fundraiser party. Hot damn.
Last twenty minutes: Halloween night. Momma's dead. Eddie returns! After the ol' Burber spookhouse keys mysteriously end up with the poor man's (hillbilly) Don Knotts, the Sigma Pis decide to re-open the "House Of Horrors" for...another fundraiser. Eddie traps 'em, sets 'em up in spookhouse scenes, and kills 'em. Customers eat up the gooshy gore, but it all comes crashing down. Further exposure of the white trash boobs are M.I.A. Thank God.
In truth, that "next fifty minutes" section will slap you into unconsciousness, if only by sheer annoyance alone. No biggie. Once night falls, Hauntedween leans in with a third act of luscious Halloween trickery. You can smell the rubber masks and tubes of drug store blood. You can hear the Kentucky accents come alive again. You can feel the misty warmth of true enthusiasm. Obviously, the whole thing is a little loose in the organization department, but the concept wins out. Uncomfortable comedic lulls are redeemed. Mel and Kurt get back together. Blood Lake's Lil' Tony does not show up, but still -- there's no strike three.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
The first few minutes had me scared. Lots of shaking, line running, and audio clacks. Two minutes later, my VCR prevailed, ushering in a steady stream of runny colors and deflated photography. As this era's SOVs go, the technical aspects weren't as limp as Deadly Love, but they couldn't touch Death Row Diner. The standards are fierce.
EXTRAS
An automobile really can blow up following a shotgun blast to the back bumper. You'll see it happen!
FINAL THOUGHTS
Truly, thy name says it all. Like The Hackers, Hauntedween is a deeply regional, late blooming, inside-joke of a slasher. It's not perfect, but you might want to see it anyway. Bowling Green, Kentucky: Halloween salutes you!
Thanks to Eric Robitaille for providing a copy of this film!
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 10.26.06 | 
To cool for clothes
Not with the times
Eddie's tool box
Double jinx
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