HIDE AND GO SHRIEK (1987) Directed by Skip Schoolnik
New Star Video VHS
THE FILM
People, people...can’t we just get on with it? If I wanted to tour a furniture store, I’d call the newspapers and have ‘em print up a special edition. Oh well, at least it wasn’t all bad. I’m just kind of bored.
Double up your watches and roll those pant legs a little tighter. Scorching 80s time capsules aweigh! After an odd sore-thumb prologue (as in, it sticks out), eight almost-college kids decide to spend the night in a gigantic department store called “Fine Furniture.” Why? Sex, sex, sex. John, the main bonehead, happens to be the son of the store’s owner, so getting in is no problem. Unfortunately, getting out is the hard part (bwa ha!). While the libido-challenged aim to even up the odds, a cross-dressing, masquerading killer has locked all of the doors and slowly begins bumping off our friends. Inbetween the chasm-spaced kill scenes, we’re attacked with non-stop yelling, tight close-ups of hilariously-clothed, unattractive people making out, bad recurring sound effects, and lots of mannequins. There’s one nasty gore sequence, lots of boobs, and a surprising amount of dead people in their underwear. One girl has an odd sinus problem and frequently rubs her nose. The ending, for what it’s worth, was pretty unique for a slasher, but utter nonsense when compared to the rest of the “plot.”
Hide And Go Shriek, you’ve accumulated all of the golden bad slasher requisites. Unfortunately, you don’t know what to do with them. Forty minutes of incidental hubbub, moronic dialogue (“Fear is not in my vocabulary, squid!”), and literal hide-and-seek games is one thing; copy and pasting those elements for a full 90 minutes is another altogether. By the time things got cooking towards the end, the sight of these eight nobs crawling around Fine Furniture was enough to drive me off a cliff. Scares were nil and a steady pace was nowhere to be found. Repetition, on the other hand, was put to expert use. Not really a good thing.
On their way to the store, the kids stopped their maroon Dodge van at a red light. They burst from the doors, ran around like maniacs, and jumped back in the van. What in the hell?! My wife said, “Chinese fire drill, duh.” I love ‘87!
AUDIO AND VIDEO
The sun-dried cover art boasts, “Unrated version: contains footage too shocking for the theatrical release.” Really? Things were a bit dark on the print side, but the picture was nice and lived in. Rental action appears to have been fierce. The sound was in stereo and I liked it.
EXTRAS
New Star Video is new to my eyes. They’ve got a logo montage, but it definitely lacks on the neon-laser beam front.
FINAL THOUGHTS
With a little editing, Hide And Go Shriek could have been the real deal. As is, it’s a passable watch with plenty of laughs at the expense of dated fashions and situations. Pretty heavy on the sleaze too. Skippy Schoolnik, you almost had it.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 02.09.05 | 
Get ripped
Babe heaven
Coke nose
Knives for lives
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