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HONEYMOON HORROR (1982)
Directed by Harry Preston
Sony VHS
Reviewed 10.06.05
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
When you're talking about a place
like Honeymoon Island, you don't
discuss logic. Honestly, it's just
not done. So when the Sheriff's
belt buckle mysteriously pops open
and characters talk about other
characters they have yet to meet,
be loose. Lick a cigar. Lift some
weights. Just make sure you don't
cross Crazy Joe, the caretaker.
After all, "He's a little retarded,
but he'd never burn the dock."
Out at the Austin Patio Dude Ranch
in Grapevine, Texas, Harry Preston
shot his only feature film as a
writer/director back in '82. Pardon
my french, but goddamn it. Honeymoon
Horror gives it to you weird.
Really weird. In my book, that's
enough to tip the scales. When a
dirt-cheap slasher presents several
hundred situations that no sane
human being could ever hope to conceive
in "real life," the party
lights hum and the glasses clink.
Prepare to wheeze.
Elaine and her lover Vic (or is
it Mick? Nick? Dick? Zeke? Wayne?
Dwayne?) inadvertently burn her
overbearing husband, Tony, to death.
The scene is Honeymoon Island, a
hotspot that Elaine owned with her
charred hubbie. Cut to: now. Three
sorority sisters huffing Nitrous
(not really, but probably) arrive
on Honeymoon Isle to decorate the
rooms of their sisters' honeymoon
suites. They use cardboard skeletons
and banners that read, "Virgins
need no urgin'! Married Men Do It
Better!" Ain't it the truth.
Anyway, there's a big fat Sheriff
that licks his cigars all over and
wears a onesie uniform. The decorators
get replaced with some runny rubber
gore and the Honeymooners arrive.
We get stuck on dick jokes and make
out scenes until burned up Tony
finally gets on 'em, complete with
his nifty smoker’s hack. It's
all fine and dandy, but for godsakes
-- leave Crazy Joe alone. A guy
can only take being called "retarded"
so many times in one day.
Amidst the boring photography and
spectacular non-suspense, your mouth
will be stuck on automatic gape.
The insanely stupid dialogue ("We
can live wealth-ily ever after.
Tee hee hee..."), the harmonica
cues for the sheriff (just so you
know it's him), the quick weight
lifting session before sex...it's
all positively ridiculous. The film
starts to stall after that, but
picks up again towards the end.
Especially when everybody starts
making coffee and talking about
current events while waiting for
the bloody, downbeat climax. There’s
even a hideous wig...that moves!
Mr. Preston doesn't let you get
too down though. The five minute
comic relief epilogue will make
sure of that.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
What's the deal, Sony? Blurry print,
worn colors, schlocky sound? You
guys spent too much time planning
your video game revolution; not
enough on the stuff that really
counted.
EXTRAS
See above.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Honeymoon Horror is a ditz.
It’s a prime time early 80s
slasher with a hint of darkness
and buckets of nonsense. Make your
reservations waaaay in advance. |
Lunchtime dip
DO IT
Everybody Wang Chung tonight
Pee break
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