HOSPITAL MASSACRE (1983) Directed by Boaz Davidson
MGM/UA VHS
THE FILM
Holy poop! Somebody call the men in white! This film has clearly lost its marbles. Then again, the men in white might get their heavy breathing all over you while attacking with a hacksaw. Either way, whatever you do...DON’T MESS WITH HAROLD.
The pickens for slashers that utilize hospital settings are slim indeed. Aside from 1981’s Halloween II, Hospital Massacre is pretty much it. Something of a low-brow chop fest on a high brow budget (thanks, United Artists!), this clinical curio has two things going for it: 1. It’s incredibly strange, and 2. It’s incredibly strange. Throw in a dreary atmosphere and fifty instances of the same canned “door opening” sound effect and you’ve got something fierce. Remember, “some patient ran amok.”
Prologue: little Susan’s house, Valentine’s Day, 1961. Two kids (one girl, one boy) are playing with a train set. A Bluto-looking kid leaves a valentine's card on the doorstep. The girl opens it, the boy says something like, "Oh man, it's from Harold." He crumples it up and they laugh. Big mistake. See, Harold is watching from the window and this little incident is enough to send him over the edge. After the boy gets hung on a coat-rack (!), we cut to twenty years later. Susan (torpedo-boobed Playboy model Barbi Benton) is all grown up, just running by The Hospital after work to check out some test results. Here's where we jump off the deep end. Harold is back and he's out for revenge, knocking off incidental characters in full surgeon's regalia. Not only that, he's also pulled a switcheroo on Susan's x-rays, which now depict some kind of wormy surprise in her stomach. As a result, Susan spends the entire film trying to escape from the sinister staff, who refuse to let her leave. It's only a matter of time before the big H catches up...
Without batting an eye, I can say that this is one of the most ridiculous slasher story arcs I've ever encountered. A crushed V-day card drove Harold to slobbering dismemberment twenty years later?! Ah, but there lies the goodness. Director Boaz Davidson (mastermind behind the previous year's exercise in dreariness The Last American Virgin) has see-sawed the grade school storyline with enough random confusion and depressing style to satisfy any scholar of exquisite trash. There's gunky blood, claustrophobia, terrible acting, and a whole lot of this: Fall on the floor when Harold attacks a wall for no good reason! Bat your eyes when Susan enters a room of full-body-bandaged patients who writhe with the ants in the pants! Call over a dirty old man for the extended, pointless examination scene, featuring Ms. Benton in the buff! I almost went nuts trying to figure out exactly what was supposed to be wrong with those damn test results (not to mention the trippy x-rays); soon after, Harold attacked a nurse while wearing a sheet and wailing like a banshee. Mission accomplished.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Don’t tell the video clerk, but my VCR ate this rental tape when I first popped it in. Whoops. Oh, and the quality? A fine print presented on a slightly worn tape, with a couple of dropouts here and there. Actually pretty terrible looking, but I didn’t care. The mono sound fluctuated in volume every now and then.
EXTRAS
Why do the big boys always skimp on trailers?
FINAL THOUGHTS
Recklessly over the edge, Hospital Massacre throttles confusion and dreary style into a whammo dose of trash sweets. It's ridiculous, creepy, and somewhat intense. Obscure enough to warrant your time, so get yer scrubs on.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 06.30.05 | 
Freak out with Harold
Barbi & the puffs
Missing a slumber party
V-day surprize
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