THE HOUSE THAT VANISHED (1973) Directed by José Ramón Larraz
Media Home Entertainment VHS
THE FILM
Everybody’s got something to hide except Larraz and his monkey.
Whoa. I am zonked. However, I do remember some fog, hot 'n' heavy incest-sex between a sixty-something aunt and her twenty-something nephew, and a naked woman in bed with a monkey. There was also that Scotland Yard establishing shot from Don't Open 'Til Christmas. The rest, however, is a blur. Imagine that! Step aside, Fright House; the business of inducing fatigue is about to become very competitive.
Larraz. What gives?! Predating his stylish mid-70s eroto-horrors (Vampyres) and his bizarre late-80s trash 'n' slashers (Rest In Pieces, Edge Of The Axe), director José Ramón Larraz here bids welcome to the The House That Vanished. Great title. Great ad campaign ("It's only a movie!", swiped from fellow Hallmark Releasing Corp.'s The Last House On The Left). Lousy luck. The sluggish House retains Larraz's gift for dapper, urgent photography, but leaves out a whole lot more. Except nudity. Whatever. If you want classy boobs, you watch Fatal Pulse. It's common sense.
Londoner Valerie is a fashion model. Terry is her boyfriend. Together, they attempt to rob a house. Mid-pillage, Val & Ter stumble upon a sex-killer with black gloves. Yeah! Action time! Actually, no. Walking around, making tea, photo shoots, numb conversations, one of the girls from The Flesh And Blood Show, a cream puff Artiste, cement-shoe chase scenes, a pointless rape scene, and groundless plotting fill up what's left of the 100 minutes. The ending gives a little more, but being the ending, it arrives after that grandma incest scene. Tapped out.
If it wasn't for the displaced script, apathetic performances, and pummeling runtime, the somewhat-creepy House might've held my attention for more than 10 minutes. Or not. I know -- it's nuts. A mock-slasher with rampant sexuality presents itself to me and I repay the favor by shutting my eyes? Frequently?! There can only be one explanation.
Was Barry Mahon a nudity-consultant on this film?
AUDIO AND VIDEO
This film attempts to break records in the "Way Too Dark" and "Hiss City" VHS tape categories. A valid attempt. However, as long as Night Of Horror and Humongous still breathe, validity isn't good enough.
EXTRAS
Just that beautiful, early 80s Media small box. My favorite template.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Zonk me. José Ramón Larraz's The House That Vanished arrives in a promising package. Unfortunately, the box proves to be empty. Fortunately, you can use that box as a pillow. I speak facetiously, but assume you understand. Don't bother with this one; it's all body, no brains.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 04.19.07 | 
"Are you suggesting I'm porno?"
Monkey bizness
G.I.L.F.
Put to no good use
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