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ICED (1988)
Directed by Jeff Kwitny
Prism VHS
Reviewed 02.16.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
I've never snorted cocaine. I have
seen Bright Lights, Big City,
though. That pretty much makes me
an expert. Therefore, I suspect
that a large amount of cocaine was
present during the writing, shooting,
and editing of Iced. It's
just that good.
What happens when you lose a late-nite,
downhill ski race, then find your
girlfriend fooling around with the
guy that beat you? You got it! After
screaming "YOU FUCKERS!"
and grabbing some skis, you hit
the slopes and kill yourself on
a big soft rock. Or do you?
Four years later. After his apparent
suicide, Jeff's "friends"
are still shook up about it. So
shook up, in fact, that they can't
resist the pull of a free weekend
at Snow Peak Resorts. Trina, the
cheater, is now married to Mr. Cheater.
She also has a nice shirt that sports
an Alligator with a guitar and the
phrase "Rockadiles!" in
spray paint letters. Karl, the coked-up
train wreck, shows off the world's
smallest ponytail. Jeanette (Ms.
Lisa Loring, Wednesday from The
Adams Family and last seen in 1987's
Blood Frenzy) has enormous
hair and fantasizes about Alex,
the real estate agent (writer Joseph
Alan Johnson, who also ripped it
up in Berserker).
Dry ice. Enigmatic outfit changes.
Kitchen workout routines. But wait!
Who's that inconspicuous killer,
clad in a neon blue snowsuit and
vintage moon boots?! You're gonna
love finding out.
From the opening late 80s crap-pop
to the terribly brilliant freeze
frame ending, Iced is a
force to be reckoned with. Since
nothing much happens during the
first hour, we're granted free reign
to mingle. Consider it a privilege.
Director Jeff Kwitny (Beyond
The Door III) has assembled
a choppy, asinine parade fit for
a king, filled with utter morons
and mismatched occurrences. Telephoning
for dire help or ordering a pizza?
Licking coke before or after drying
off following a shower? Showing
lots of pubes during sex or just
a few? Revealing your wooden leg
or waiting until someone stabs it?
That's how it goes. The sex is explicit,
the gore is laughable, and everyone,
I mean everyone, wears
moon boots. We've got the close-ups
to prove it.
After all that, I'm sure your head
(or nose) is swimming. Just remember,
there's nothing like removing a
sensual racquetball headband before
making love. Lisa Loring knows it.
Now, so do you.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Certain exterior shots seem to be
shot on video. The whole thing might've
be shot on 16 mm, then edited on
video. Who can tell these days?
No matter. The video titles and
dank lighting set the mood for a
clean print and crunchy mono sound.
EXTRAS
Wet mullets and fake-boobed bimbos
doin' it. Gaze at the trailer beauty
of Deadly Embrace. Tell
'em Linnea Quigley sent you.
FINAL THOUGHTS
So what's in a title? You don't
need to actually Toot on the slopes
of the Lady Flake. Iced
gives you plenty of Snowy Blow,
but without the sloppy addiction
and random nosebleeds. Does that
make sense? Grab this film as soon
as possible.
Thanks to Dan Budnik for providing
a copy of this film! |
Iced...
Iced?
Iced!
Icee
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