THE JAR (1984)
Directed by Bruce Toscano
Magnum Home Entertainment VHS
THE FILM
In the land of The Jar,
there is no beginning and no end.
All that exists is the midsection
of an enormous shit sandwich. I
hope you brought your appetite.
Paul: "Crystal, are you always
this perceptive?"
Crystal: "No Paul, you're just
very obvious."
How interesting! If you can sit
through 80 minutes of even less
involved coffee talk and hundreds
of merciless community college dream
sequences, I salute you. Speaking
of due credit, one time director
Bruce Toscano pulled out the big
guns when he let this artsy, Denver-lensed
sham seep out from under the sink.
Dripping faucets have never looked
so sexy.
The box copy said that the irritating,
sissified Paul was hit by a car
while jogging. If the shots were
in focus and the screen wasn't pitch
black, I might've found that out
for myself. Paul brings the driver
(old man with a unibrow) back to
his apartment. Then, Paul yells
at a mason jar, which houses a rubber
Ghoulies reject. Paul sits
around naked. Paul walks around
outside. Crystal, Paul's neighbor,
tries to make friends, but Paul
yells at her too. Paul dreams about
bloody deaths, a toothbrush, religious
cults, battlefields, and sex with
Crystal. Paul and Crystal have lunch
for fifteen hours. Thankfully, a
man with a mustache shows up at
Paul's apartment, looks inside,
and screams. Impeccable.
Everybody likes it weird, but COME
ON, TOSCANO. Shaky close ups of
inanimate objects, colored lights,
and a plate of bloody scalloped
potatoes don't compensate for a
completed script. The ambient synths
were a nice touch, but I still wanted
to punch post-dubbed Paul in the
face every five minutes. Luckily,
I'm not a violent person, so let's
leave it at this: If you take a
bite out of The Jar, your
breath is sure gonna stink.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Magnum throws up a jagged video
title card, but leaves us with darkness,
stretchiness, and a distorted soundtrack.
Not their best work.
EXTRAS
The box art and copy had that ol'
Magnum touch; nobody else could
build up a terrible film with such
finesse.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Get out the Febreeze. The Jar
is a misconstrued, pet-project downer
that should have stayed dead. Don't
ever, ever, watch it unless you
find bathroom sinks sensuous. If
that's the case, get a room.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 03.30.06 |
Scoping for babes
Paul on fire
The g-damn jar
Your life is in this man's hands
|
