KILLER
WORKOUT (1986)
Directed by David A. Prior
Academy VHS
Reviewed 11.24.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Welcome to “Rhonda’s
Workout.” Yeah, you read the
ad right. This is the place where
life is very, very good.
Only I’m going to have to
check your gym bag before you sign
up for a membership. What? Oh nothing...we
just like to keep an eye out for
giant safety pins around here. Oh,
you haven’t heard?
Shed a tear for the beautiful people.
A woman finds out that the cover
of Cosmopolitan is hers...but she’s
got to have a tan. We never see
her face, but get a bare breast
shot. After entering a tanning salon,
the hot bed goes haywire and burns
up our mysterious model. Defeat!
Cut to: sexually suggestive 80s
babe workout close-ups at Rhonda’s,
complete with awesome synth-pop
(“Animal Workout, “Woman
On Fire”) and tons of spandex.
Our killer stalks a woman in the
shower and does the deed with a
giant safety pin. Cut to: even racier
sexually suggestive workout close-ups,
this time intercut with a body bag
zip up and more awesome synth pop.
We meet Rhonda, who is universally
super pissed. We meet a Members
Only-clad detective that looks like
Frankenstein and/or The Thing. We
meet a “new guy” worker
that pumps iron and wields a mean
uppercut...and a meaner feathered
mullet. Despite ongoing murders,
Rhonda does not close shop and the
women keep jammin’ out. Eventually,
things start to wrap up with red
herrings and the entire cast gets
snuffed out. And it’s all
because of those damn beautiful
people with their perfect bodies...sounds
like somebody got burned. Freeze
it on a Mr. Roper-esque camera mug
and yes, everyone pops back in for
another workout scene during the
credits. Even if they met the business
end of a big safety pin.
Do you get where this is going?
Not hilarious in the usual bizarre
sense of bad slashers, but simply...awesome.
I mean, the whole template could
only arise from the leeringly un-PC
‘86: women jiggling, kill
scene, women jiggling, kill scene,
bodybuilder brawl, women jiggling,
kill scene, bodybuilder brawl, surprise
ending, women jiggling. Continuity
errors abound, the look is ultra
cheap, and things really stop making
sense when the filmmakers try to
explain things. They even forget
to show us how a few people get
killed off. But what are minor technicalities?
This film is awful 80s heaven. Just
watch out for the nasty peanut-butter-burn
nudity.
So aerobicize on (or is that aerobicide?),
ladies. Nothing’s gonna stop
you.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Not the greatest looking picture
I’ve seen, but certainly not
the worst. Looks like some heavy
rental action took place here. Some
of the music was way loud, but that
was a-ok in my book.
EXTRAS
No, but I’d like a soundtrack
cd. For real.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Killer Workout is a year-round
present under the X-mas tree. Stop
wasting your time, slip on some
tight-ass jogging shorts, and go
find a copy. Immediately. I’m
sure the exercise will do you good. |
Just the tip of it
Take me out
"You just made a big MISTAKE."
Weapon of choice
|
