LINNEA QUIGLEY'S HORROR WORKOUT (1990) Directed by Hal Kennedy
Cinema Home Video VHS
THE FILM
"The zombies are aerobicizing, they feel good and everything."
-- Linnea Quigley, Gorgon Video Magazine
I think we both know what that means. It is time to Zombiecise.
I know not where it comes from; I know not why it is here. Whether its point of origin lies in the center of a black hole or at the bottom of a filthy Los Angeles swimming pool, Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout eschews explanation. After all, "Being the Queen Of Scream isn't as easy as it looks!". Indeed. Linnea, I'm ready; ready to exalt my meager body (and mind?) to the altar of your workout non-prowess. The Casio batteries are fresh. My Graduation Day VHS is closeby. Let’s get greasy.
Shot on video (SOV). 60 minutes. Feel the burn: Linnea soaps it up in the shower. Linnea speaks into the camera, attempts to crack jokes, and shares clips from her greatest hits (Assault Of The Party Nerds and Vice Academy, to name a few). Linnea tones some ass in a room with shag carpet and a fireplace whilst emitting stoned, Elvira-rejected voiceovers. Linnea jogs. Linnea leads a group of Zombies in a poolside hustle. Linnea shouts "One! Two!" at any given moment, often with no sense of rhythm. Linnea leads a languid, anti-erotic, ass 'n' crotch shot slumber party workout session. Linnea masquerades as a Ronald Reagan slasher. A severed head flies into a toilet. Can I please get some bloopers? Thank you.
A gaudy smear of nudie-cutie innocence and SOV snickers (think Death Row Diner), Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout was intended to be a promotional career booster. That, and a horny spoof of 1980s exercise videos. God only knows if it succeeds on either level. Luckily, God needn't bother entering the conversation. Not when we've got Linnea Quigley, her studded leather underwear, and her frequent masturbation puns. Walking a grody line between hilarity, joyless mood, and awkward sympathy for all parties involved, Horror Workout is an experience heretofore uncharted in SOV garbage. Glee. Guilt. Bewilderment. Hang onto your conscience; I really think these people were serious.
She was right. It's not as easy as it looks.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
It's far too steamy in here to provide an impartial analysis of this tape's presentation. Sorry. I'm too busy aerobicizing, feeling good and everything.
EXTRAS
None, but I urge you to find a copy of Gorgon Video Magazine. Only there can you absorb Linnea’s philosophies regarding this tape and its place in our universe.
FINAL THOUGHTS
All aboard the Quigley Express. Forget Alyssa Milano and Traci Lords; in the realm of workout tape train wrecks, there is no other one. Linnea Quigley's Horror Workout is an unexplainable incident in the halls of SOV freakishness. It's hard to find, impossible to forget, and consistently hysterical, just as long as your fast forward finger is in terrific shape. And it should be, after all that Zombiecisin'.
Thanks to Nathan Arms for providing a copy of this film!
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 06.21.07 | 
"C'mon! STRETCH 'EM!"
Feeling good and everything
...
Ron The Con
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