LUNCHMEAT (1986) Directed by Kirk Alex
Tapeworm Video Distributors, Inc. VHS
THE FILM
Come on, look at that cover! If you’ve seen it before, some part of you somewhere wondered what the movie was about. And, if you’re seeing it for the first time, you’re wondering, “Gosh, I wonder what that movie is about? Is it worth hunting down and watching?”
Yes.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Well, the VHS sounds...
Of course, I’m kidding around with you. (Don’t you hate when people say something really lame and unfunny to you that is obviously a joke and then, when you don’t laugh, they smile and say, “I’m just joking around.”? Yeah, you were joking but it wasn’t funny. In fact, I imagine the Family in Lunchmeat probably would do that with their friends a lot. Except they probably just eat all their friends.) Where was I? Oh yes, this sort of “Review Chicanery” is, as always, part of the service here at Bleeding Skull. We have a standard to keep and expectations are always high.
Speaking of expectations, I’m usually pretty good at adjusting mine. The example I want to bring into the land of Lunchmeat is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. I had heard about TCM (too bad I can’t call it Saw anymore) for years before I watched it. When I actually sat down and did so, it certainly had a lot of atmosphere and there was a lot of screaming but my reaction upon the credits rolling was "Is that it?”
But, I adjusted myself. The next time, I watched it. I sort of kept the context of the film’s era in the back of my mind and forgot what I had thought it was going to be and...I loved it. It gets better with each viewing. I’ll never see it with the full “Fright Factor” turned way up because the surprises are gone after the first time I watched it. But, I appreciate it in the same way I appreciate Tom Jones (The book. Who doesn’t appreciate the singer?). I read Tom Jones and can see the jokes and the humor and the cleverness of it all and I know a thing or two about Enlightenment literature but I don’t laugh. TCM is my cinematic Tom Jones (The book. Who doesn’t appreciate the Academy Award winning film?). I respect it more than I actually enjoy it.
Lunchmeat is in that category of films that I’ve been searching for for a long time. I saw the video for rent once over ten years ago and I’ve never seen it since. I now own a copy. I won it off eBay. And, it was worth every penny. When I spend that long hunting for a film, there are no expectations. Oh, I accept it will have some gore and it will rip-off TCM but nothing else. Since I don’t know if I’ll ever find the film, I don’t like to get too excited. Tales From The Quadead Zone was the same way; Invitation to Hell was another. I adore both of those.
I don’t know what to expect. I just sit down and watch. And what did I see?
Well, it’s certainly cheap. Grainy film. Lots of woods. Sound that isn’t always the best. If that’s not setting off four happy alarms in your brain, you should be in a corner with your nose deep in Leonard Maltin’s latest edition. We meet the Family. Dad, two greasy sons and one mute son who is very large and scary. Then, we meet the vacationers. They stop at a restaurant where the Family supplies the meat. The Family sets a trap for the (I want to keep calling them “the kids”) vacationers. And, at the half hour mark the film becomes a chase through the woods. For an hour. The chase ends, the movie ends.
I know. Sounds like a big time “Oh Boy!” moment that is going to catapult us into “uh oh” film territory (see the The Prowler). An hour-long chase through the woods? Sounds like sheer boredom. The best parts of a lot of these films is all the build-up before the final chase. This film is the chase. And...wait for it...it’s quite good.
Bravo, Alex Kirk! I never thought he would be able to sustain it but it worked. There are several different chases going on at once. Folks are wounded but keep on moving. They limp or moan and get hurt again. There is just enough variation to keep me interested, watching and sometimes on the edge of my seat. Bravo!
Yes, the music that plays over the opening credits may make you wince, but when the main theme that plays over the overwrought drum machine repeats later on (without the electronic pounding) it works well. Sort of a party mood now becomes a tragedy motif.
I watched Lunchmeat twice for this review. And, the second time it worked just as well. So much happens in the chase that I forgot half of it. The element of surprise is still strong. However, unlike TCM, which gets stronger with repeated viewings, Lunchmeat might just lose something when the chase becomes too familiar. However, should that stop you from giving it a watch?* No. It’s not a classic but it is a well-done rip-off of a classic. And, sometimes that works just fine.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Look at the picture of the big guy with the arm. The movie looks and sounds like that.
EXTRAS
The copy on the back of the box is better than anything I ever read on a cereal box when I was a kid. And I ate a lot of Frankenberry and Fruity Pebbles.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I was surprised. Lunchmeat was quite good. A long harrowing chase full of blood, pain and a sweatshirt with an odd design that I could never figure out should be well worth your time. Oh, I forgot to mention...There are moments in the film that remind me of Don’t Go In The Woods. All the movie needs is a cameo from Kris of The Last Slumber Party and this would have been what I always imagined Weird Movie Heaven looked like.
I can close my eyes and see it. It’s nice.
* I noticed that I’ve been asking you a lot of questions and then immediately answering them. Next review, I will ask questions and you can answer them yourselves. Does that sound fair? Sure it does.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 04.12.07 | 
His Bologna
Their bologna
Her bologna
No bologna (sorry!)
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