MEMORIAL VALLEY MASSACRE
(1988)
Directed by Robert C. Hughes
Nelson Entertainment VHS
THE FILM
When a group of campers arrives
at Memorial Valley Campsite, they
discover that the water supply has
been sullied by a dog with rigor
mortis. Naturally, a mature, levelheaded
discussion ensues.
Fat Biker: "Hey asshole, what
are you gonna shower and shave in?"
Buff Biker: "Beer."
It's Memorial Day weekend, so grab
life by the crotch. Crack a brewski.
Pour it on your head. Buy a pair
of Magic Johnson Converse hi-tops.
Hop on a three-wheeler. Hump a deer.
Have tent-sex. Smash a pocketwatch.
In other words, rip yer shit up.
This is Memorial Valley Massacre.
You only live once.
First thirty minutes: Writer-director
Robert Hughes (Hunter's Blood)
lines this incongruent slasher with
severe hilarity. There's Byron,
the mischievous, sissified man-child
and his ATV; curious mispronunciations
of normal, every day phrases; a
"comedy" montage scored
with keyboard circus bebop; Cameron
Mitchell in a Ted Knight-channeling
cameo; a killer Caveman with black
tube socks and a buck-fifty fright
wig. Then Byron dies. Big mistake,
Mr. Hughes. Next thirty minutes:
Piles of hair-rending boredom limp
by. People talk about the Caveman
under a rainy tarp. Some sex happens.
Last thirty minutes: Mr. Caveman
seeks to squelch the inner demons.
By jove, he succeeds!
As long as we're on the topic of
thirds, two out of three ain't too
shabby. Memorial Valley Massacre
forks over equal amounts of fast
paced hilarity up front (both unintentional
and winky-wink) and juicy cartoon
violence in the rear. It's everything
the dorky, "tongue-in-cheek"
Doom
Asylum advertised, but
failed miserably on delivering.
Here, comedy is not the means to
an end; it's just along for the
ride. The filmmakers know it. The
dragging, uneventful midsection
eventually dampens the party, but
it's hard to be stern with a film
that births a character like Byron.
Watch the Caveman's introductory
shed destruction scene and see if
you disagree.
If the spare tire was flattened,
we'd have a total winner. Of course,
that would mean giving up the beer
showers. No thanks.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
I like. The colors were bright,
the print was clean, and the picture
quality was about as sharp as VHS
tapes can get. The stereo sound
gave the pansified keyboard soundtrack
a red carpet treatment. Memorial
Valley Massacre also pops up
on Mill Creek's terrific DVD 50
pack, "Chilling Classics."
It doesn't look as good as this
tape.
EXTRAS
None, so I'm going to experiment
with alternate beer usage over the
weekend. This film really got me
thinking!
FINAL THOUGHTS
Everybody likes to laugh. Everybody
likes to sleep. Some people like
fake gore. I'm a proud advocate
of all three, so Memorial Valley
Massacre made it out of the
VCR alive. Remember, you only live
once.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 06.29.06 |
Byron at large
Caveman no likey
My new best friends
Spike futon
|
