MISS WEREWOLF (2001)
Directed by David “The Rock” Nelson
David “The Rock” Nelson VHS
Reviewed 07.18.04
Buy It From David "The Rock" Nelson

THE FILM
Outside of the historic Music Box theater in Chicago, Janet peers into the camera and remarks, “I bet people think we’re nuts around here.” Rock’s reply? “We’re proud to be weird. It’s fun to be weird, ain’t it?” Janet nods a reassuring “yes.” Moments like this make me smile.

For every thousandth “normal” person out there, going through the motions because it’s just too late, there’s somebody like David “The Rock” Nelson. He isn’t out to save the world (or even his block). He’s not clamoring to be famous. He’s having fun making obsessively bizarre monster movies, pure and simple. Rocky Nelson’s eccentric video visions are unique slices of life that demand celebration. And what better way to celebrate than with the brilliantly-titled Miss Werewolf?

Hold onto your hat, ye explorer of unbelievable cinema. Our film opens with a narrated disclaimer, alerting the audience of the gore quotient included herein, as well as offering earplugs and blindfolds at the concession stand (!)...for those that are too terrified to confront the Rock’s latest hijinks. While on a routine zoo outing, Janet (Janet Lynn) is bitten (I think) by a wolf. In keeping with her other stellar performances, Janet looks directly into the camera a lot and laughs after almost every line. She disappears for awhile. In the meantime, Detective Rock (David “The Rock” Nelson) gets down to bizness: time for some eats! Potschkies, fried chicken, quesadillas, doughnuts -- you name it. In between chowdowns, we meet Dr. Weirdo (Rock Nelson), who argues with Detective Rock, and other minor characters like Dinosaur Woman, Rocksella, and David’s parents, who are usually sleeping. In a new twist, Rock’s telephone seems to get a much bigger part than ever before. And who’s on the other end of that line, anyway? A benevolent being perhaps? The reverb is a definite clue.

Anyway, Miss Werewolf soon shows up and begins her “air-clawing” reign of destruction. M.W. attacks everybody from portly party dudes to families with kids to Herbert “The Fiend” Bussowitz. I’m not sure who he is, but whatta name, huh? Many tangents are taken, some within context of the movie, but most involving just hanging out, eating, and watching monster movies. And then...out of nowhere...a horrific castration scene! Well, it’s not too horrific, but it is rather shocking to see a fake “wiener whistle” (sez Rock) fly through the air with gobs of ketchup gore on it. Night Of The Demon, take a number! Eventually, Miss Werewolf dukes it out with Dr. Weirdo in his basement laboratory, ending the whole shebang with a plastic machete and scads of charm. We’re left with Detective Rock and Vernon Nelson (Rock’s Dad), surveying the scene in a strangely effective Wood-sian wrap-up.

But of course, nothing is linear in the world of Rocky Nelson. In keeping with Nelson’s other films, the narrative arc is bursting with eccentric little ticks. Check it out: Detective Rock howling about “Gibberish! Hearsay! Old wives’s tales!” pretty much non-stop, an innocent bystander interrupts filming to ask what’s going on, tours of Chicago’s Resurrection Cemetery (home of "Resurrection Mary") and Chet’s Melody Lounge, the narrator feasting on potato chips, Nelson falling asleep while watching one of his own films, and the monumental soundtrack, comprised of Monogram-lifted bursts and spooky organ creaks. Glorious.

At one point in the video, Janet stops werewolf-ing and takes five. Peering through a rubber wolf-man mask, she mutters, “I ran out of gas!” Yeah, it is good to be weird, isn’t it?

AUDIO AND VIDEO
If it isn’t broke...In some instances, an 8 mm camcorder with lots of solarizing effects can really get the job done. This is one of them.

EXTRAS
Save for a few minutes of outtakes at the end, it’s all in the picture. And for a movie this packed with craziness, we’re not missing a thing.

FINAL THOUGHTS
Miss Werewolf is a Rock Nelson mess-terpiece. Schizo editing, downright experimental shooting methods, and clumps of monsters ‘n food -- this one is a must own. If there was ever a video to segueway Rock’s full length work to the masses via DVD, this is it. Anybody listening?

Groucho Nelson


The homestead


White pants werewolf


Catching some zzz's