MONGREL (1982)
Directed By Robert Burns
Paragon Video VHS
THE FILM
Paragon Video was based out of Las
Vegas, but that has to be a misprint.
Only Madison Avenue hotshots yield
the gonads to plaster this gaudy
painting of a three-headed devil
dog onto a film with a final five
minutes that MIGHT be considered
"horror." I just hope
"3-28-81-GAR" was well
paid for his or her beautiful gift
to the world of moderne art.
If I had to bet on it, I’d
say you already know more than enough
about Mongrel to skip a
viewing altogether. In addition
to our three-headed Rover, the absurd
box art offers up this stellar bit
of non-sentence copy to entice your
bucks: "Vivid nightmares of
a frightened man show people dying,
bodies ripped apart." It's
almost too much, huh? Funny, they
forgot to mention the slowburn antics
of a dozen greaseball morons stuck
in a boardinghouse with nothing
to do. Or the award-winning belches
that stand in for dog growls during
the "vivid nightmares"
(aka dry ice and steadicam workout).
I laughed, I dozed, I slept. And
slept.
Since we're both here, I'll satisfy
you with a few facts. Mongrel
is the direct to video directorial
bow from Bob Burns (talented art
director on Texas Chainsaw Massacre,
The Hills Have Eyes, and
tons of others). The film does not
feature a killer dog, three headed
or otherwise, but it does have a
Deep Throat pinball machine AND
a JFK dart board. An upset canine
briefly attacks a person, but his
doggy mind is clearly focused on
other things; like sitting down.
As the mildly alluring premise unfolds
(unseen force murdering house occupants),
the public service announcement
acting chops knock it dead. Kill
scenes usually consist of a flashlight,
some hershey's syrup, and a handheld
camera. It's all very thriller-of-the-week
until the final few minutes, when
we get some inexplicable cannibal
flavoring. By that time, my palette
was singed.
Damn that box. I wanted a dog puppet,
crudely edited into stock shots
of mismatched action, grisly neon
gore hanging from its foam rubber
jowls. I got a cruel little thriller
with a penchant for run-on scenes,
bad edits (gotta love that fade!),
and mumbling actors. At least the
house looked nice and sleazy.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
As is usually the case with Paragon,
this decades old VHS held up surprisingly
well. The tape itself was slightly
worn, but the print was pretty crisp,
if a bit dark. The big box is almost
falling apart and that's a growlin'
shame.
EXTRAS
Just a quick announcement preceding
the film: “This film has been
rated R by King Of Video, Inc.”
MPAA: take that and shove it.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Gaze and admire. Oh, what could
have been! If it wasn't for the
marketing scheme, Mongrel would've
been OK. Someone needs to track
down the artiste known as "GAR"
and find out what the hell happened.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 09.30.05 |
Whatsamatta U?
Light my fire
Belch-a-phobia
Shocked!
|
