MONSTER (1979)
aka THE TOXIC HORROR
Directed by Herbert L. Strock/David
L. Hewitt/Kenneth Hartford
Saturn Home Video VHS
THE FILM
Before the opening credits, a title
card warns us that, "The story
you are about to see is based on
fact. The incident occurred in June
1971 in Columbia" (no punctuation
required). After the opening credits,
a second title card proclaims, "This
is based on a true story."
Five minutes in, another card boasts,
"Put on the next goddamn slide."
OK, so the third one is a lie. The
slide bit was actually a snippet
of choice dialogue, not a title
card. No matter. When you've got
a sloshed mess as huge as Monster,
honesty is not an option.
Like its jagged plot, the history
of Monster is a rat's nest
of names, places, and vague memories.
According to Michael Weldon, anti-art
genius David L. Hewitt shot a few
scenes of a sea monster with rubber
snots around 1971 in Columbia (South
America, not Ohio). Ultra obscure
director Kenneth Hartford (The
Lucifer Complex) took the reigns
in the mid 70s. With the help (?)
of AIP old skooler Herbert Strock,
Hartford constructed an illustrious
botch of a film on the cheap. He
even brought John Carradine, Anthony
Eisley, and Jim Mitchum along for
the ride. It is possible for helicopters
and macho men to live together in
lovely harmony. Just ask Night
Of A Thousand Cats. Apparently,
Kenneth Hartford didn't get the
fax.
Somewhere in South America, the
pollution from a cement plant has
unleashed a giant rubber gila monster.
It tears people apart and wails
like Bigfoot (definitely a distant
cousin of The
Sea Serpent). Yes, but
who is Victor Sanchez? Anthony Eisley
breaks up with a girl, then they
have sex on a beach. He says, "I
feel like a shit." The monster
rips her up and a sexist newspaper
man calls professional stud Jim
Mitchum for some stoned tough talk
("I'll kick your ass, Sanchez.").
John Carradine, playing a black
cloaked priest, leads a witch burning.
Shots of a local news team are constantly
thrust forth. Helicopters gain god-like
status, based solely on screentime-hogging
alone. Eventually, Eisley and Mitchum
wade through the padding, string
up a dead sheep (to a helicopter!),
and blow up the monster with dyn-o-mite.
Suddenly, I have a taste for a three
egg omelet.
Kenneth Hartford had a 78 minute
runtime, a juicy stable of z-rate
actors, and a cut 'n' paste exploitation
plot; all sure signs of excellence
in the world of trash cinema. So
how did he manage to make the resulting
film so damn boring? Good question.
It might have something to do with
endless talk. Or maybe even the
constant village carnival padding?
The two annoying teens definitely
had a hand. In the end, the air
grows stale and no one cares. The
laughs deceive like a burglar in
the night. You don't need a huckster
title card to figure out why.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Saturn Video churned out some of
the most awful video presentations
known to man (Blade Of The Ripper
fans, take note!). Monster
looks like it was shot on Super
8, then transferred in someone's
living room to 3/4" tape. Constant
shakes, tons of damage, and a print
washed in two week old coffee grounds.
Saturn did have a way with template
based cover art though.
EXTRAS
In addition to the Kroft Supershow-styled
logo montage (once before the feature
and once after), the kind folks
at Saturn lay out each one of their
video releases with a neon color
burst behind. A narrator breathes
heavily into the non-wind protected
microphone and tries to sound menacing.
Exhilarating.
FINAL THOUGHTS
As the film's end credits roll,
a scrolling missive reads, "Monster
was an Academy International Presentation
in Association with Major Financial
Investments." I bet! For your
own sake, please avoid.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 01.06.06 |
John wants to go home
See? Helicopters.
Toxic beach
David L. Hewitt, I salute you
|
