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NIGHT OF THE BLOODSUCKERS
(1978)
aka VAMPIRE HOOKERS
Directed by Cirio H. Santiago
BFPI VHS
Reviewed 04.27.06
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
For your entertainment, please welcome
Blood
Island survivor Vic Diaz and
his marvelous recurring fart gags.
There's your indication; you never
need to watch this film. Thanks
for the stanky tip, Vic-arino.
What, you're still here? Splendid.
I thought you'd be gone "faster
than a cat can lick its ass!"
after that one. But I get it. Bare
breasted vampire prostitutes with
tan lines are enough to reel anyone
in, including sailors that say "It's
not my ear drums I want blown!"
Or so thought longtime exploitation
director Cirio H. Santiago.
Night Of The Bloodsuckers
aka Vampire Hookers is
a wretched Filipino horror-comedy
with a crumbly John Carradine, benchmark
styrofoam boulders, and a dejecting
ten minute orgy scene. Basically,
two sailors on leave from a military
base (or summer camp) journey into
town to get laid. They stumble onto
Mr. Carradine and his underground
bevy of vamp-hookers, then spend
the rest of the film walking around
and slinging sterile innuendoes.
A transvestite takes a leak in a
urinal, so a sailor gets all hot
and bothered before hollering "UGH!
BALLS!" Carradine hobbles around
and word-vomits all over the gaudy
sets. The lone sex scene features
erotic Satan paintings, fan-blown
hair, and aloof participants that
revolve on a Sit 'N' Spin while
the camera sits still. Now where's
a good fart joke when you need one?
Vic?
Had I known the two 80s bimbos plastered
across the front cover (black convertible,
blonde spikes, mulleted victim)
were a not-so-clever roust from
the folks at BFPI to "get with
the times" circa 1985, I still
would've watched this. It's a curse.
Night Of The Bloodsuckers
is the sorry affect. Santiago's
direction is all over the place,
but it's mostly just stationary
and stagnant. The fuzzy score from
Jamie Mendoza Nava (Orgy
Of The Dead, Creature
From Black Lake) stutters
from limp cowbell jams to country
licks with "boing" sound
effects and back again. What a mess.
Add it all up and you've got a barely
tolerable, plotless dumpster of
unenthused sex and lifeless horror.
Everybody loses.
At least John Carradine would go
on to make good in Monster
the following year. Ha ha, I'm not
even serious!
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Hiss city. The mono sound lies under
a blanket of noise, but the picture
was just fine. There were a couple
of video blips here and there, but
I was glad to have them. The noise
woke me up when I started to snooze.
EXTRAS
BFPI, you careless devils. No FBI
warning, no logo montage, no nothing,
save for a vintage "This movie
is rated R" screen.
FINAL THOUGHTS
This film is below you. Night
Of The Bloodsuckers fails miserably
in its attempts at titillation,
spookiness, and most of all, comedy.
It will leave a dark stain on your
innermost desires, so step aside
if you see it coming. |
John still wants to go home
I think not
Poor little guy
Naughty, not nice
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