Panic On The 5:22 (1974) Directed by Harvey Hart
GoodTimes Home Video VHS
THE FILM
Really, Panic On The 5:22 -- what did Hasidic Jews ever do to you?
There's no need to pontificate when it comes to American television in the 1970s. It was the best. Unequivocally. And universally. Do you adore fat jokes? Try What's Happening!?. Sweet on "howcatchem"s? Columbo's your man. Have a "love to hate 'em" complex? Go and grab some Dallas. Of course, this beautiful alchemy seeps right on through to 1970s television's most seductive muse: the TV movie. From Bad Ronald to Outrage, I'd never kick one out of bed. Which is good. 'Cause then I'd miss out on the ridiculous satisfaction of stuff like Panic On The 5:22.
In short, this film is presented as a sort of Naked City meets Dog Day Afternoon on a train. It relates the semi-boring story of three I-talian thugs (they burp and say, "Am I gettin' troos to ya?!") who don ski-masks, hijack a train full of wealthy jerks, and promptly fall apart. There's also a lot of social-class braggadocio thrown in. But I don't care much about any of that. I care about this:
Prior to the train-jacking, one of our hoodlums accosts an older Jewish gentleman, who is walking down the street. At knifepoint, it is demanded that the man fork over his diamonds, as "everybody knows you carry 'em!" The man surrenders his pouch of diamonds. However, it is filled with rock candy.
There is a banker named Ace. He wears pants that cost $500 (we know because he tells us so). The hijackers make him remove his pants. I can't figure out why.
An overzealous narrator refers to the slums of New York as "cancer".
When all is said and done, the narrator returns to give us a "where are they now" wrap-up. One of the robbers now works in computers. Yet, "he dreams at night of golden beaches...and tan thighs."
Panic On The 5:22. It's pretty great.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
You know, this is one of the rare occasions where I'd prefer a cleaner print. This thing is all ghost faces and puke-browns. GoodTimes!
EXTRAS
You can stop holding your breath. The end credits literally read: "ALLEN JOSEPH - HASIDIC JEW". On a related note, I asked my girlfriend (she's Jewish) if there was a reasoning behind the diamonds incident. As it turns out, there is a historical significance between Jews and diamond mining. As it also turns out, that has nothing to do with this insane screenplay.
FINAL THOUGHTS
C'mon. Panic On The 5:22 is 75 minutes of stereotypical scumbags in ski-masks terrorizing a bunch of wonderfully clichéd rich people. They talk, they stare, they yell, and they partake of bizarre, unrelated things and say, "Never trust a woman who sleeps in her jewelry." There's no reason not to enjoy it. Hasidic Jewish yuks (?) notwithstanding.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 04.22.10 | 
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