PHANTOM BROTHER (1988) Directed By William Szarka
Southgate Entertainment VHS
THE FILM
So you're Phantom Brother, huh? Look, I can take most anything shot on video (SOV) trash films can dish out; the more ridiculous, the better. However, after watching your first ten minutes, I have one request. You have to promise that under no circumstances will you depict a sex scene between Richie and Dawn, the two greasy white trash teens. Please. Now that we're settled on that, I can --
Oh god, no. It's happening. They're doing it. He's pulling off the dirty bra...she's licking the raging spearhawk mullet...Whew! The Oreo-faced slasher just popped up and sliced the bejesus out of Richie! Now that sexual mortification is no longer a threat, I'd love to tell you how the rest of the movie plays out. Unfortunately, that's going to be quite difficult. Director William Szarka (South Bronx Heroes, nothing else) made sure that everyone either screamed (or mumbled) their lines, then recorded it all with a lapel microphone across the street. But is all lost? Heck no. This is a New Yawk suburb in 1988, after all.
Richie, Dawn, and two of their amazing friends (re: hair is out of control) visit an abandoned house in the middle of the woods. Purpose: maximum horizontal grind. Little do they know that a trio of cartoonish killers (fat lady, the aforementioned slasher, girl scout zombie) are hiding out in the place. As the knife falls, one girl gets away. She bumps into Abel, our lunkhead heavy, and the movie continues on. Sorta. Abel's family was killed in a car accident and he spends his days cleaning up after the killers and hanging out with his adopted hillbilly family. Not much happens until a movie crew arrives to shoot some scenes in the house. They've got a rusted out Winnebago and shitheap VW Bug, so you KNOW they mean business. Unfortunately for them, so does Abel! The film tries to pull it all together at the end, but guess what? It makes not a lick of sense.
I have a headache: 1. The cast would not stop screaming their unintelligible lines, and 2. Turns out Phantom Brother is an attempt at Horror Comedy, the most vomitous sub-genre in the history of film. Don't get me wrong; I laughed until my cheeks hurt throughout most of the runtime, but it wasn't because of lines like, "I spend so much time at the laundromat, I'm starting to call the washing machines by their first names!" The fashions, extreme overacting, K-Mart gore, and stupid situations are off the hook. What's going on with the inbred brothers? Why did Abel raid Burgess Meredith's Penguin wardrobe? Is the slasher really putting on a bra? How can we possibly be blessed with such a rip-ass credits song ("If I Could," recorded by "Eric" and © 1987)? Could any of these actors be more annoying?
Just admire the above average steadicam (videocam?) work. And don't ask questions.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
First five minutes: video blips, horizontal lines, audio squelching. Remaining 80 minutes: smooth sailing...although the picture quality has some major fuzz on it. Audio-wise, this tape sounds like bad plumbing.
EXTRAS
Oh yes. Before the feature, there's a trailer for Norman's Awesome Experience. Guess which mid-80s teen comedy this film hilariously rips off? Keanu Reeves should be seething. You'll bust a gut. Southgate Entertainment, you've got my money.
FINAL THOUGHTS
Headache or not, Phantom Brother did it for me. If you crave SOV 80s horror like crack, you'll probably get some mindless kicks. Remember though: I warned you about Richie and Dawn.
— Joseph A. Ziemba, 07.20.05 | 
Puuuke
Babe heat
Oreo face
Yeah...
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