PHANTOM OF THE RITZ (1988)
Directed by Allen Plone
Prism VHS
Reviewed 03.22.07
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba

THE FILM
Puttin' on the shitz!

The 1950s sure were great, huh? They had hip fashions (halter tops for guys, paint-splattered blazers for gals), revolutionary musicians (Buddy Holly and his Casio key-tar), and red-blooded, All-American Heroes (Larry Bird). What's that? You claim that none of this stuff was conducive to life back then? Excuse my candidness, but that's simply untrue. A cultural milestone such as Phantom Of The Ritz would surely make every effort to retain validity in its depictions of simpler times. '88 don't make no junk. Only boom mics.

Phantom Of The Ritz is anti-entertainment. The film concerns a man's dream of rechristening a 1950s porno theater into a 1950s-themed nightclub. Imagine the possibilities, if you dare! Deadly one-liners, vomitous stabs at faux-fifties schmaltz, overuse of the phrase "THE FIFTIES!!", Huey Lewis-styled rock 'n' roll interpretations, and a fat "killer" who chokes a plumber, then disappears for 35 minutes. Incidentally, this padded-out disaster appears to be four dissonant films hacked into one (comedy, horror, musical, total garbage), with hopes of narrated coherency courtesy a poor man's Harold Ramis. It might also be a physical assault on the concept of nostalgia. Who can tell? I was ready to fast-forward 'til the Fat Elvis sings. Then, time suddenly stood still.

50 minutes. The Audition Montage. It's wet pants central over here.

Searching for "FIFTIES!!"-themed performers, the theater owner, his Shakespeare-quoting bodyguard, and we, the audience, are treated to a cavalcade of auditioning "talent" in the form of The Audition Montage. In essence, it's the greatest six minutes of life at this moment. Interpretive dance in khaki short-shorts. Widespread mullets. Key-tars accompanying Roy Orbison and Mr. Holly. Elvis in a diaper. Elvis with a mullet. A punk-funk band. Comedic folk-rap. A new age clown. And then...

A man performs a "record scratch" rap solo with the use of the zipper on his denim shorts. Following this routine, he allows the microphone to dangle out of said shorts' fly-hole and between his legs in a suggestive manner. He gives us the "thumbs up."

I rest my case.

AUDIO AND VIDEO
Yakety-yak.

EXTRAS
"Sometime in the future..." there is a trailer for Project: Shadowchaser! Watch Sensei from "Karate Kid" and a robot named Romulus fire some machine guns and/or bust heads through walls. No zipper record-scratching was evident. "Thumbs down."

FINAL THOUGHTS
Phantom Of The Mall, I really miss you. Phantom Of The Ritz is a failed comedy-musical which injects tired slasher nonsense at the zero hour. It's pretty agonizing. But then, there is The Audition Montage. It's pretty life-fortifying. Pay 99 cents or don't pay at all.

Hey, it's THE FIFTIES!


Holy mackerel, it's THE FIFTIES!


Goddamn, it's the FIFTIES!


SONUVABITCH, IT'S THE FIFTIES!