ROCK
‘N’ ROLL NIGHTMARE (1987)
Directed by John Fasano
Academy Entertainment VHS
Reviewed 09.01.04
Review by Joseph A. Ziemba
THE FILM
Let’s take this reeeeeaaaaal
slow, ok?
I’ve seen quite a bit of hilarious
80s sewage in my time. But this...my
god, it’s just too good to
exist. How could they...? Who could
possibly...? As I stare at the greasy
rental tape, it hits me. Rock
‘n’ Roll Nightmare,
a Canadian horror film revolving
around a sub-sub-sub hair metal
band rehearsing for a new record,
might be the most unintentionally
hilarious 83 minutes I’ve
ever laid eyes on. I’m crying
and my cheeks hurt. Dudes, “let’s
tune our weapons.” And hey,
I just washed my studded underwear,
so I’m all set.
I’m not going to delve into
the plot. There isn’t one.
Essentially, this band called TRITONZ
(!!), led by real life butt-rocker
and Zombie
Nightmare survivor Jon
Mikl Thor, has rented an old farm
house to rip up some new hitz. That’s
after approximately fifteen minutes
of van driving padding though. Anyway,
while they’re rocking ass
(glitter coat with tails, anyone?)
and having lots of sex, mysterious
foam monsters kill off, then replace,
members of the band with decoys.
Somewhere in there, it becomes a
giant snooze-fest, with plenty of
openings for gratuitous fast forward
action. So what’s the fuss?
Heh heh. This is staggering. Besides
the obvious technical problems --
extreme unintelligence, nonexistent
plot structure, and truly misinformed
editing (somebody please yell “cut”!)
-- Rock ‘n’ Roll
Nightmare features some of
the most incredible elements to
ever take a dip into the pool of
“bad” cinema. Dialogue?
How about “Let’s whip
out those buzooms!” or “What?
No hot tubs? No ‘Dynasty’?”
Or maybe keep it simple: “Whenever
you do something domestic, my boner
can’t help itself.”
Genius. Acting? Check out the drummer
with the drunken uncle’s version
of an Australian accent (which mysteriously
disappears halfway through). Perhaps
the girl that opens her mouth to
scream and...forgets? I could go
on forever -- the jell-o mold monsters,
the huge amount of awkwardly acted
sex scenes, the unbelievable band
“practices.” And then
we hit the final twenty minutes.
You may have been laughing quite
a bit during the previous hour.
But nothing, NOTHING, will prepare
you for the surreal twist ending.
Although the temptation is gigantic,
I won’t give it away. But
a taste? No problem. Studded underwear,
slo-mo monster grappling, flying
globules thrown from two feet away,
and a slow tracking shot from a
suburban driveway. Was this film
even completed? Try to catch your
breath.
AUDIO AND VIDEO
Ouch, this scorches just like Tritonz!
Clear and crisp for such a cosmetic
mess. One complaint: the dialogue
was very muffled and the music was
a treble rippin’ steamroller.
What am I saying?! No complaints
here. Just like Thor, I live for
rock ‘n’ roll too.
EXTRAS
Tritonz, I wanted a music video.
Where is it?
FINAL THOUGHTS
An absolute pile of stinky garbage
that must be seen at all costs.
Rock ‘N’ Roll Nightmare
is one of the most entertaining
and hysterical train wrecks ever
conceived, and exists without peers.
Thank you, Mr. Thor. Thank you very
much. |
So good it hurts
Steam it up
Toupee or not toupee?
Cat scream heaven
|
